The US Defense Department warned Americans abroad of a new threat today: Canadian coins with tiny radio frequency transmitters contained inside which could be used to track the movements of people and eavesdrop on conversations. The government insists that the risk is genuine and incidents do happen. Officials suspect that by using this technology, China, Russia, and perhaps even al-Qaeda, now know, at any given time, exactly what is transpiring at the bottom of every ashtray in America.

OK, now I’m confused. So if the rumors are true, and Chris Klein really is the father; then how did they get the baby out of Tom Cruise and into Katie Holmes?

LONDON, England -- Fashion icon and award-winning singer and actress Cher is clearing her Malibu home of its Gothic contents and reshaping her life in a giant garage sale. Among the items emanating from Cher’s closet cleaning; nearly 800 costumes and pieces of gem encrusted jewelry, over 150 works of art, 30 plus pieces of furniture, an Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, 3 Golden Globes, Tom Cruise, Bert and Ernie, Mike Piazza, every “metro sexual” who has ever worn a “salmon” shirt, Peppermint Patty, the brakes for Sonny Bono’s skis, Snagglepuss, Jeff Gordon, and my internet history folder after writing this joke.

I dropped my seven year old nephew off at school the other day. I noticed that the kids don't even carry thier bags anymore. The bags have wheels on them...wheels! We didn't have wheels. We carried all eight subjects home with us, countless blocks, each and every day, in a backpack with only on strap left because one had long since buckled under the weight of all that useless "knowledge." Switching from one shoulder to the other constantly as the circulation in our arms was cut off just short of the point of doing permanent damage. Wheels...You know where these kids ought to carry their books? In the giant pussys they have become!

During a press conference at the state department this afternoon Maura Harty, assistant secretary of state for consular affairs, made it clear that none of the estimated 25,000 Americans remaining in war-torn Lebanon will be left behind if they can not immediately reimburse the State Department for their evacuation.

"No U.S. citizen will not be boarded because they left their checkbook at home," Harty said. "I need to get people out of harm's way first, and that's what we're going to do. So bring your passport, and bring your VISA card...it’s everywhere you want to flee.”

Gayle King wants to be clear. She and "close friend" Oprah Winfrey are not gay! "The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there's nothing wrong with being gay," says King "she's just my friend, or as I call her 'my big O.'" 

The racing world was abuzz this week with rumors that female driver Danica Patrick may quit the Indy Racing League and jump to NASCAR next year. Now I’m no NASCAR driver but I do know one thing. If I ever look in my rearview mirror and see a car sponsored by Midol...I’m moving over.