A study finds that one in four Southern states' residents will ignore government evacuation orders. The top reasons given:

1) They believed their houses were well-built.
2) The roads would be too crowded.
3) They planned to steal their neighbor's shit.

A US study has found that one in eight babies are born premature. While this has caused concern in the medical community, parents are happy their kids want to move out sooner.

Ann Coulter has a new book out. It's called "Godless: the church of liberalism." Recent controversy around the book has propelled it to number one on the bestseller list. That's why I plan to title my next book, "Kittens for Breakfast, and other delicious recipes from the conservative kitchen."

Two guys walk into a bar. One says to the other, "Did you hear about that government study saying 44 percent of Americans use prescription drugs?" The other guy responds, "Yeah, it's sad because it means the other 56 percent are suffering needlessy... from erectile dysfunction... obesity... and feelings."