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Marcus Howard
"I've stolen 1,000 identities today! E-mail me to find out how!"
Studio City, CA
      
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I'm a proofreader and comedy writer, but what I really want to do is nothing.
Check out the "Dear Star Savior" podcast and blog to witness some celebrity life-coaching.
Subscribe to "Dear Star Savior" on iTunes.
Go become my friend on MySpace. Then, go hunt me down on Facebook. Be my friend here, too. Think of it as a two-person three-way.
Stalk me on Twitter.
Check out my blog to see where my head is. It will sculpt your abs.
Send me e-mail at marcushoward1@hotmail.com. Stalkers and identity thieves, consider this your birthday present.
tony (Guest) says:
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funny stuff marcus !
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Tom Shillue says:
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good stuff Marcus- keep it up!
T
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Marcus Howard says:
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Thanks, bro. I'm just making my way into topical stuff, so it's good to see I haven't totally bombed.
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Ray Ellin says:
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congrats on having the LOL! great stuff-
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 The Gambler Alarm
Who says a smoke alarm has to wake you up?
Finally, an alarm that gives you the choice to ignore it and take your chances! Tired of having a smoke detector ruin your sleep with panic about being consumed by raging flames? Sick of having a security alarm jolt you into paralyzing fear of having a burglar blow your head off? Sure, it might help to wake up, just in case. But you should have the option to stay in bed and hope for the best. This is America.
Gambler alarms produce gentle white noise that gradually becomes softer as you decide whether to stay in bed. Here’s the best part: If you stay put, the sounds will be worked into your dream. While traditional smoke alarms force you out of slumber and into panic, a Gambler alarm's sounds can transport your dream to a beach or a tropical paradise. It’s up to your imagination to explain the smoke smell.
The Gambler Smoke Detector .... $29.99
The Gambler Security System .... $129.99
Accessories
Remote control .... $9.99
Replacement life available through certain religions.
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An inmate who entered an Arkansas jail weighing more than 400 pounds is suing the county, complaining that he frequently feels hungry and unable to exercise because he isn’t provided enough food.
The man originally sued obesity.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Jessica Simpson. My younger sister Ashlee may be pregnant. While I’m happy for her, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that I’m not planning a wedding and having a baby. What do you think?
Dear Jessica,
If you’re bothered by the idea of your younger sister having a baby before you, don’t be: You can still beat her to the punch. The streets are flooded with sperm that’s there for the taking if you’re up for a tradeoff. You’ll gain a new option for every standard you drop.
Traditional types might tell you to hit a bar and try to conceive a child in a bottle-powered one-night-stand. The only problem with this is that meeting guys in person might tempt you to be selective. Remember: Nothing gets in the way of quick pregnancy like standards.
If you’re really serious about scoring some sperm and aren’t dead-set on having a guy involved, take an extreme self-serve approach. Go to one of the sketchier neighborhoods and keep your eyes peeled for used condoms. If you don’t know where to look for used condoms, find a local drug connoisseur and follow the needle tracks on their arms. For a used-rubber hunter, that’s the North Star.
Once you’re pregnant, making up for your sister’s headstart means getting that baby out of there as soon as possible. As soon as your belly is big enough, start an exercise program based on crunches. Join a co-ed rodeo team. Lie face-down on a moving conveyer belt. If you do this one at a grocery store and it works, have the baby put in a paper bag. Plastic bags are dangerous for babies.
The Star Savior
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A New York man charged with illegally rubbing against a woman on a subway train may be sentenced to life in prison, having been arrested 53 times, mostly for groping.
For his comfort in prison, inmates planning to rape him would be limited to third base.
“He said he’s OK with being groped if it stops there, so we would keep him away from the inmates’ games of ‘Spin the Bottle,’” a prison official said. “They usually get out of control. I think the problem is the game play itself. They grab one of the smaller guys, place him in the middle of the circle and spin him. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter where he stops spinning. The bottle loses, especially when it’s spun face-down. It works out just like the prison version of Connect Four.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24112173
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?
Dear Wyclef,
I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.
You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.
Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?
The Star Savior
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 According to a new report, although the San Francisco Zoo’s staff reacted well when a tiger fatally attacked a man in December, the zoo was unprepared for a tiger attack.
Inspectors said the exception was the tiger.
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Under the Sperm For Tickets initiative, men who make sperm donations in Europe will receive free tickets to any European music festival.
Men who produce sperm donations while in the ticket line will receive their tickets after they post bail.
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 According to a new study, people older than 65 are more likely to experience social trouble, medical problems and falls if they drink excessively.
Researchers said seniors can get the same results by waking up.
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 A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to assault charges for losing his temper and punching a woman in the face on his way to an anger-management class.
After punching the woman, he brought her to the anger-management class for show-and-tell.
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 Amy Winehouse is planning to produce a line of makeup and clothing, having become known for her style in addition to her music and alleged drug abuse.
To experience Winehouse’s lifestyle, customers will be able to make purchases using stereos.
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