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Marcus Howard
"I've stolen 1,000 identities today! E-mail me to find out how!"
Studio City, CA
      
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I'm a proofreader and comedy writer, but what I really want to do is nothing.
Check out the "Dear Star Savior" podcast and blog to witness some celebrity life-coaching.
Subscribe to "Dear Star Savior" on iTunes.
Go become my friend on MySpace. Then, go hunt me down on Facebook. Be my friend here, too. Think of it as a two-person three-way.
Stalk me on Twitter.
Check out my blog to see where my head is. It will sculpt your abs.
Send me e-mail at marcushoward1@hotmail.com. Stalkers and identity thieves, consider this your birthday present.
tony (Guest) says:
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funny stuff marcus !
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Tom Shillue says:
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good stuff Marcus- keep it up!
T
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Marcus Howard says:
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Thanks, bro. I'm just making my way into topical stuff, so it's good to see I haven't totally bombed.
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Ray Ellin says:
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congrats on having the LOL! great stuff-
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?
Dear Charlie,
I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.
It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."
But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.
The Star Savior
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 Sega Toys has created a 15-inch-tall robotic girlfriend that kisses its owner and is being marketed to lonely men.
The robotic girlfriend runs on batteries or defeat.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?
Dear Shia,
People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.
Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.
Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with their parents, then got smacked around. Imagine your fans’ shock after seeing your video and realizing that Shia LeBeouf had to turn to contests with his friends to get slapped.
Imagine how your video will inspire kids who came from slap-less homes. They’ll learn that they still can go on to do great things, despite not being slapped during their formative years — as long as they can count on slapping contests and “faggot.” Maybe your video will inspire them to go home, do their chores and homework, and call their parents “faggots” to get a loving slap or two. Maybe your video will inspire a school to add a slapping period to fill in the gap for kids from low-smack homes.
Maybe your video will help our broken society realize that when a kid screams “faggot,” he’s not being homophobic. He’s begging, “Someone, please slap me.” It’s a cry for help — in the form of an open palm and full follow-through. It takes a village to smack a child.
The Star Savior
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Tatum,
You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.
There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.
When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.
The Star Savior
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Following the results of a recent study, a new program is offering free circumcisions to help men in Kenya avoid AIDS infection.
A competing program is offering plane tickets.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m talk-show host and juggernaut Oprah Winfrey. After re-reading “A New Earth,” I was inspired to go vegan for 21 days. That’s right: I’m off meat and animal products. It’s part of my spiritual growth and new concern for animals. As a fellow vegan, do you have any advice for me?
Dear Oprah,
I commend you for going vegan for a while as part of your spiritual growth and concern for animals, but you don’t have to do it. You should outsource it to your followers. Have them go vegan on your behalf, and see how it works.
If going vegan works well and your followers experience spiritual growth, buy them out. (I’m sure you have a budget for spiritual acquisitions.) But when you buy their spiritual growth, don’t keep any parts of their souls. They contain dairy.
But if going vegan doesn’t work for your followers or if something goes wrong, let them deal with it. They’re replaceable. You’re not. Think of it this way: If going vegan somehow kills one of your followers, you can count that as getting rid of an animal product.
The Star Savior
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A Miami woman was sentenced to more than seven years in prison for forcing a Haitian girl to work as a slave for six years in her home.
The court also ordered the girl to learn about doors.
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Two Belgian beer fans have launched “Place to Pee,” a video game played at urinals by two men who ski down slopes or kill aliens by aiming at sensors in the urinal.
The loser replaces the winner’s shoes.
“The game pretty much ends when one guy soaks the other guy’s shoes, so we don’t recommend sandals," one of the game's creators said. "You can’t tip a bathroom attendant enough to wash urine off your toes. They might give you some cologne to spray on your feet, but that only masks the problem. I guess that depends on what evaporates first.
“Also, it can be tricky to find a second player. If you’re trying to get a pickup game going, I’d avoid anything like ‘Wanna play?’ It’s already creepy to skulk around in a public bathroom, but it’s even worse if you’re approaching guys, asking if they want to play, then whipping out a quarter.”
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m country singer Dolly Parton. I am furious with Howard Stern. He took a bunch of comments I have made and edited them to sound racist and sexually explicit for a bit on his radio show. What can I do to keep this from happening again?
Dear Dolly,
Speaking in public comes with the risk of having your words warped by someone else. It’s unavoidable. So I recommend that you start recording your own offensive sound bites so you can control what goes into them. And there’s a bonus: You can use your inappropriate comments to promote causes you believe in.
Start with something simple like “Black people should go back to Africa — and drop off some food.” Then you could try “I hate faggots who don’t recycle.” When you're ready for it, consider “Nothing turns me on like a good fist — full of money for cancer research.” You might be uncomfortable with that last one, but it would really help raise awareness for cancer — and fisting.
The Star Savior
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An Ohio man under a court order to make sure his troubled high-school-dropout daughter received an equivalency diploma will serve time in jail because she failed.
So will his daughter.
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