Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm former glam rocker Gary Glitter. I was released from prison in Vietnam this week after spending three years locked up for child sex abuse. I was kicked out of Vietnam, then Hong Kong and Thailand wouldn't let me in, then I was sent back to London. Since I'm blacklisted in Cambodia, too, I guess I'll have to stay in London now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

I know your time in prison must have been rough. And I'm sure you'll really miss Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam. But look at the bright side: London has lots of kids.

Yes, Southeast Asia has a stronger pedophile community, but that doesn't mean you can't get lucky at home. It's just a matter of doing the legwork.

Your first stop should be the Center for Pedophile Tourism. It's set up for traveling pedophiles, as well as kid-lovers who are new in town or getting back on their feet. So stop by for some brochures and learn about local kiddie opportunities. Take their tour of local kid-hunting spots. Maybe you could attend their weekly pedophile mixer. (Note: The mixers are BYOB, "Bring a Youth Or Beat it.")

You should start building contacts on the Internet with social networking sites like Yunguns.net, TykeTail.org and KiddiePoke.com. That's how the better pedophiles do it. They review each area's child-sex scene in detail, ranking them in categories like kid density, variety, amount of adult supervision and cost (in terms of local candy).

Members of these sites also share "shopping tips." For example, here's a tip from 14cutoff: Invite neighborhood kids into your home to play with your dog, but tell them your dog is allergic to clothes.

I'm sure there are lots of child-sex treasures right in your own backyard. So play tourist in London and check out the kid-hunting spots you've ignored all these years. After all, there's no place like home -- if it's near a playground.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm comedian Jerry Lewis. I was detained for carrying a gun in my baggage at an airport, and I ended up receiving a citation and having my gun confiscated. I don't see why the gun was a problem. It was unloaded, and it was just a beautiful gift from an engraver. What do you think?

Dear Jerry,

You might not see it yet, but this situation is a good thing. The world has heard you describe a gun as an object of beauty. And they're opening up to the idea that weapons are works of art.

Think of the gas-station robbers. They used to run away after shooting a cashier. Now, they stay to talk about their shooting style over wine and cheese. Robberies are huge social events. Sure, the cashiers are killed, but their bodies are perfect bullet sculptures. Gun art changes lives -- especially for cashiers.

Think of the school teachers. Now, they can get arts grants that help pay for shootings. That means teachers don't have to pay for the shooting supplies. Do you have any idea how much art stores charge for bullets?

Think of the traveling bomb artists -- so-called "terrorists." They used to be limited to doing shows on buses and trains. Now, all they have to do is pack their display bombs and head to the airport. They still ride the bus, but that's because it's the cheapest way from the explosives district. Suicide bombers like to save money, too.

You have taught the world a valuable art lesson. So you're wrong. Your taking a gun into an airport was a big deal. It's a big deal for the high-school kid with a piece in his locker. He won't be expelled. He'll get an art scholarship.

The Star Savior