This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:

-- Rapper T.I. gets advice about his child-support lawsuit

-- Lance Bass gets advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion, and

-- I reach out to Star Jones after her divorce is finalized

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here or through StarSavior.com.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?


Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make this reunion work?


Dear Lance,

To make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all the time: his success. So get rid of that.

One of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing simplifies a busy life like addiction.
 
Since Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't offer wedding registries.

You could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where they cut coke lines for guests.

You could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific when you ask for an ice sculpture.

Of course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the shakes.

The Star Savior

In a small study in Australia, researchers said a group of older people improved their memory problems with brisk walking.

The other study participants are missing.

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?


Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?


Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason.

Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior

Dear Amy,

I just heard that you may face legal action from the organizers of a concert that you didn't show up for. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know what you meant when you said you skipped the concert because you had "taken ill." Does "ill" mean "crack"?

The Star Savior

Dave Freeman, a co-author of the travel guide “100 Things to Do Before You Die,” died after hitting his head in a fall — Thing 100.

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm basketball player Shaquille O'Neal. My former mistress just got a restraining order against me. She said I threatened her after we stop seeing each other and harassed her with obscene phone calls full of heavy breathing. I have to stay at least 200 yards from her until I go to court next month to see if the restraining order will stick. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Shaq,

At this point, your best bet is to leave her alone and move on. You shouldn't stalk a woman you've been involved with. You should be stalking strangers.

Why, you ask? Because you can't put a restraining order on someone you don't know. It's straight from scripture.

I know it's rough after losing a stalking relationship. You might have low self-esteem, thinking you don't have what it takes to make obscene calls. But there's a brand-new restraining order that says you've still got it. The key is to get right back out there.

Ask your friends if they know any women who are interested in being stalked. (If they're not interested, stalk them anyway. That's the beauty of stalking: Every woman is available.) If you've met any women at church, give them obscene calls -- while you're in church. Join a book club and dazzle the women with your best moaning. And keep a hand down your pants. It's a great ice-breaker.

If you're shy about making obscene calls to someone new, use a wingman. Have a friend do the heavy breathing while you ask what color her panties are. Have your friend handle the moaning while you describe the state of your wiener. While you tell her you're touching yourself, have your friend hold the phone for you so you can actually touch yourself. Nobody likes a liar -- not even during an obscene call. It's rude.

But the hardest part of a stalking relationship is keeping it alive. It's all about keeping things fresh and letting her know you still care.

For example, learn the French versions of phrases like "down my pants." On her birthday, send her an obscene singing telegram at work, and make sure the song includes "smell you." During an everyday obscene call, send her a snapshot of your crotch -- just because. Nothing says love like nuts.

The Star Savior