Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Heather,

Most people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.

Since you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.

Your DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.

You also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.

You also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."

And don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the same with your DUI work.

The next time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered to drive sober.

The Star Savior
 

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior

Dear Nicole,

I just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?

The Star Savior

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

-- I show Clay Aiken a downside of his announcement that he’s gay
-- I advise Kanye West after his arrest for attacking a photographer
-- I ask Nicole Kidman about the roots of her latest pregnancy

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here or at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 3" (MP3, 7:04, 3.2 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's singer Clay Aiken. In a People magazine article, I announced that I'm gay. I decided to come out because I wasn’t raised to lie or hide things, and I can’t raise my son to do that. I may have turned off some of my fans, but I’ve gained a lot of support from gay groups and this was something I couldn’t keep hiding. What do you think?


Dear Clay,

It's great that you decided to publicly come out, especially since you've gained so much support from gay groups. But I think you've sold yourself short.

Since you made your coming-out all about the well-being of your baby, you turned your back on another major group: deadbeat dads. You could have gained the support of two groups at once by coming out and then running out on your kid.

But it's not too late to win deadbeat dads over. It’s just a matter of using another magazine article to announce that you’re ditching your son.

If you think it would be hard to run out on your son, you're wrong: There are way more places away from your kid than with him, so you really can't miss. Like they say, there's no place like home, so don't stay there.

I recommend using a classic child-abandonment story as an excuse to get out of the house. And if you have problems with being dishonest, don't worry. You don't have to lie to walk out on your kid.

For example, if you say you're going out for cigarettes, go out and actually buy a pack. On your way out of town, stop by the house and leave the receipt in the mailbox. If you start feeling guilty, leave the kid a few smokes.

If you say you're going out to grab a newspaper, go buy a newspaper at a gas station -- in Kenya. Mail your son the comics and a hint for the Jumble. He'll appreciate it down the road.

But there are options for bailing on your son without traveling. Here’s a tip: Call a missing-kids hotline to see if they know a kidnapper with an opening for a boy. When a kidnapper gets a kid from a referral, the pick-up is free.

Deadbeat dads need some good buzz, and this is your chance to make it happen. You can show how much deadbeat dads contribute to the world -- most of it.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s rapper Kanye West. I was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after struggling with a photographer and breaking his camera and then lunging at a videographer. There won't be felony charges against me and my manager, but I still may be charged with a misdemeanor. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Kanye,

Even though you won't face felony charges, your arrest was a sign: It’s time for you to stop attacking random photographers in airports. You should start attacking them away from airports, in places where you can really make a connection.

Photographer attacks aren’t meant to be done when you're rushing out of town. At an airport, you can’t really commit to an attack. You should be able to take your time and give it your full attention. Tell me this about the photographer you attacked: What color were his eyes? I’ll bet you didn't even notice.

I think it’s time for you to start looking for one special photographer to settle down with and attack. Do you want to still be lunging at strange photographers in airports when you’re 50? Do you want to spend your golden years worried about where a stranger’s camera has been?

If you want to find The One, you have to put yourself out there and change your approach. And don't limit yourself to attacking celebrity photographers. It's time to start attacking the photographers you never noticed before. The next time you're at Sears or Wal-Mart, lunge at the person working the camera. Just lunge at them. Don't go all the way with an attack yet. You'll ruin things if you move too fast.

You'll find that when you attack a photographer away from an airport, it really means something. You won't have to attack with one hand while you hold baggage with the other. You can use metal objects to spice up your hand-to-hand attacks. And you won't have to interrupt your attacks to take off your shoes for security. You'll thank me after your first kick.

The Star Savior

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

-- I show actor Ryan O'Neal the bright side of being arrested for possession of methamphetamine

-- I help actor Gary Coleman see an opportunity in being sued for attacking a fan

-- I reach out toLindsay Lohan after she is seen punching a photographer

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here or through StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 2" (MP3, 6:17, 3 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should do?


Dear Ryan,

I certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find new ways to keep meth in your life.

If your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice. There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.

But if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight, but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.

Of course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.

Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.

The Star Savior

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

You might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.

You weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a truck seems OK if you get a receipt.

If you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your headlights.

Since you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the basics of domestic violence.

There may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to them, with your bumper.

The Star Savior

Dear Lindsay,

I just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?

The Star Savior