Via AP News 

Early Saturday MORNING, a 24 year old mother was stopped for speeding and found to be drunk.  She had her one year old in the car with her, so police called relatives to come pick the kid up.  Later that AFTERNOON comes the boy's father... problem was.... he was drunk.  So police called in the grandparents, and guess what folks... they were drunk too.. but luckily the grandma was still under the legal limit and deemed tipsy but safe, so the police escorted them home, and they lived happily ever after.  You can always count on grandma to be the responsible one.

Via Harper Bazaar 

In a pretty candid interview, Lindsay talks about her relationship with boyish girl DJ Samantha Ronson. After much prodding about whether or not she is a lesbian, Lindsay states, "I think it's pretty obvious who I'm seeing."

When asked if she'd ever been with a girl before, she says "I don't know, maybe"

Are you bisexual? "Maybe"

Would you classify yourself as a lesbian? "No, I dont want to classify myself"

Hmmm... ok... She seems reluctant to admit that she enjoys some muff diving.  Let's see if we can fit the pieces of the puzzle together here.  First off, Samantha is a DJ, so I'll assume they met at a club.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this club probably served alcohol which Lindsay is rumored to be a fan of.  Now if I had some beer goggles on and I took a quick look at the DJ booth, I would say to myself, "That's a pretty cool looking dude, and I bet he knows where we can get drugs."  Something tells me, Lindsay didnt even know she was dating a girl till well after the drugs wore off. At which point it was too late to back out, and her choices were: Look Stupid -or- Be Trendy & Bi-curious.

The day after Obama was elected, the Dow drooped almost 500 points... boy.. if you thought everything was on sale before!!! Now it's buy one get 10 free. 

Now that he is President, they have to tell him all the top secret stuff he wasn't allowed to know when he applied for the job, and that meeting is about to happen. Who know's what they'll be telling him, but I imagine it starts off like this:

"Alright, now it's time for everything you didn't know.... first off... you might want to sit down and get comfortable, and once we start telling you this stuff, there's no turning back.  All your fairy tails about politics and our great country are about to go right out the window."

You dont have to wait on long lines... you can just stay home and assume your state will pick Democrat.

Via AP News 

A contest is offering $10,000 to any engaged couple if they abstain from premarital sex.  So far this "Marriage of a lifetime" contest has received exactly 0 entries, which I find astonishing... I mean for 10 Grand!!! Come on!!!! Doesn't anyone lie anymore?  Hell, I'll lie completely for 10 Grand...

I'm now taking applications for anyone who wants to pretend to be engaged to me.  In fact, we could not have sex and just lie about the engaged part if that makes it easier for you.   We'll spend $200 on a quicky Vegas Wedding, and split the rest.

Via AP News 

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today..... unless you take pot?

VERO BEACH, Fla - A McDonald's casher called 911 after a man tried to pay for his food with marijuana.  The cops caught up to him, found more weed in his car, and took him to jail. 

He then got out of jail by posting $500 bail. PAUSE..... He couldn't pay for his food, so he offered to pay with pot.. they took him to jail and all of the sudden he has $500.  What happened?  Did he wait on line at McDonald's for too long?... Only to find out, after he placed his order, that he grabbed the wrong purse from the car? 

Via Action News

Turns out the Fisher-Price "Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo" doll has a special message for your child.  Parents are outraged to hear it mumble "Satan is king" and clearly speak "Islam is the light" instead of saying things like "I love you and my etrade account."

Target eventually took them off the shelves when they were caught on video tape flying remote control planes into the soda machines.  One of the dolls was asked why they were acting like this, and he said, "Uh... maybe you haven't heard... but there's like 70 friggin virgins up there waiting for me." (Ok, this last part I made up, but the first paragraph is true!)

Remember Teddy Ruxpin?  It was a talking bear and it would say whatever was on the audio tape you put in it.  I used to make Teddy sing "Relax, Don't do it.... when you want to go to it..." which I thought was funny, but I was still too young to know what the words meant.  I asked my older sister... "Relax, don't do what?".. and she said "Don't pick your nose."

I was at a wedding this weekend and the open bar got a little out of hand for me.  My last memory is 1am at the reception, and my next memory is waking up at 10am in my hotel room with the TV on.  Immediately, I jumped (actually, more like a slow roll) out of bed to try to piece the puzzle together. 

Step 1 is to check the cell phone... good news... no drunk calls or text messages to ex-girlfriends.

Step 2 is to smile as you walk into the continental breakfast and strike up a conversation with whoever smiles back.

Turns out I got quite loud and crazy on the dance floor, which most people said they found entertaining, but apparently I also scared the flower girl.  But I blame her parents for that... what were they doing letting their little girl be up at 2am in front of drunks? That's my time!  

And their dollar is worth 95 cents of the American dollar.  WOW! Even when we are doing horrible... we're still better than Canada.