Via Cosmo Confessions 

"My roommate can be really mean, and one day, her bad attitude got on my last nerve. So when a guy she had been lusting over -- who had recently become single -- stopped by, I hatched a plan to get even. She let him in, then went upstairs to primp. I decided to introduce myself and told him to be careful because my roomie has a revolving door to her bedroom and is on quite a few meds for STDs. That was the last time he came over, and she couldn't figure out what happened." -Jojo, 22

Oh Jojo! Tisk Tisk... What did we accomplish here, really? If your room mate was being a bitch, well then it sounds like she really needed to get laid.  And what did you do?  Prevent the one thing that might have made her simmer down, and make your life easier.  If she became bitchier after that, then you can only blame yourself.

Doctors have now discovered that Billy had cocaine in his system when he passed away.  That explains every single infomercial I've seen him in.     

Professor Gates! Please read my story and help! I'm a victim too!

I came home the other day and discovered I was locked out. So me and my Russian limo driver kicked the door in, and then a so called neighbor, who was clearly racist, called the cops on me because I’m Mexican.

When a Chinese police officer showed up outside my house and asked if I could come outside to talk with him I said, “NO I will not!! I'll talk to your mommi outside!”

I demanded to know who he was and he said he’s a sergeant or something investigating a break in and I said, “Why?!?! Cause I’m a Mexican Man in America?!!” 

He asked if I was alone, I told him “None of your Business, you racist cop! You don’t know who you’re messing with! I have a Masters Degree in Computer Science and I can make it so none of the Chinese food places in town can take orders over the internet!!! Don’t mess with me!” 

He kept going on and on about how he was just trying to investigate a possible break in, and just wanted to see my ID, so I threw my library card at him.  He stood there in shock, and I said “What?!!  Surprised to find out a Mexican man reads books, you racist pig!!!” and then I said, “You're racist because you see a nice house with a plasma TV and a PlayStation 3 and assume that a Mexican man cant possibly live here!!!” 

Then I called everyone I know to stand out there and watch as I walked outside my house and made a fool of this idiot with some of my other assumptions.  Anyway, cut to scene two, I got arrested because I’m Mexican.

Professor Gates, do you think you could help?  I tried emailing President Obama to see if he could do something, but he hasn’t gotten back to me.  I also emailed Batman, the incredible Hulk, the Green Lantern, and Spider-Man… all of which just sent back the standard fan club welcome letter which makes me think they haven’t really read my message at all!!! Is there no Justice in America!!!

RE: Gates' Police Report

The police were responding to a break-in in progress, and when they ask this so called racism expert for ID, he gives them a hard time and calls it racism.   So let me get this straight.  You want the police to treat an unidentified break-in suspect with respect and courtesy... Yeah.. that’s gonna work real well.

“Excuse me, we don’t mean to intrude, but we see the door is broken in… do you live here? Oh you do… ok… have good night”

First of all, let’s consider that most break-ins reported are real and dangerous.  I’m gonna estimate that at least 9 out of 10 times, the guy breaking into your place isn’t you.

On top of that, this isn’t the first break-in at the Professor’s home.  I think it’s hysterical when people say, “If he was white, this wouldn’t have happened that way”

Well, I’m white (sort of) and if the police thought my apartment was being broken into, I would obey all their commands, gladly show them my ID, and thank them for coming.  So it would have gone differently for me… not because of my color… but because I’m not an idiot.  If police ask you for your ID and you put up a fight and call them names, don’t expect to be treated with honor.

One last thing, Don’t apply to Harvard.  They let anybody teach there.

Oh and PS: Me calling him an idiot isn’t racism. Idiots come in all colors.  I have a white one that lives in my building.

Read the Police Report 

I was watching the finale of "16 and Pregnant" on MTV last night where all the 16 year old parents came back on the show so Dr. Drew can ask them why they didn't use protection.  And the answers were just hysterical. 

One kid said, "It just feels sooo much better without the condom..." 

Another couple said, "We were using protection.... in the beginning... but then we stopped"

And another one goes, "I don't know... we just weren't using it..."

Am I the only one who listened in sex ed class?  I just turned 32 this year and my mom said to me, "You know Rick, when I was your age I was already married with two kids"

And I said, "Yeah! I dodged that bullet! I am soo proud of myself for making it this far with out knocking anyone up... pat myself on the back for that one"

I have a dog that's litter boxed trained... that's about as much responsibility as I can handle.

I want to marry a girl that doesn't speak any English.  I have a dog that loves me unconditionally, and I think it's because we can't communicate.  So much less can go wrong when you can't talk.  If my wife was upset... I'd have no idea why... so I pat her on the head and I give her a treat!... problem solved..... if it's really bad, I flip her on her back and rub her tummy and her nipples...

On the other hand, if she pees on the floor... she's out... I gotta draw the line somewhere. 

People think pot smokers just want to sit on the couch all day and smoke... as if we dont want to go outside or something...

ok look YOU WONT LET US SMOKE OUTSIDE!....  You dont think we want to smoke outside?  I could get sooo much more done if I could smoke outside... it just eats me up to think about it.  People say pot's a depressant... NO... what's depressing is you wont let us smoke outside. 

Via AP News 

19 Year old Rebecca Sue Taylor of Charleston offered to sell her 5 month old baby for 10 grand to another woman after saying she was unable to bond with the infant and needed money for a new apartment.

"Unable to bond with the infant".. oh ok... so she tried... how can you blame her.  "Yeah, the baby just doesnt love me back... but he's in like-new condition... you can have him for 10 thousand, or best offer... free shipping... all sales final... I'll even through in his favorite teddy bear."

Via AP News 

After a 19 year absence, Leonard is back to work with his old ball and chain... Star Trek... I guess everyone's retirement plans arent working out like they expected.  Soon we'll see him in comercials for priceline.

Classmates.com is pulling every trick in the book to get me to pay up.  I feel like they are the poor social networking site on the block pan handling for money.

"You have 12 guestbook signatures on Classmates.com!... oh they're blurred out right now... but I can shine them up for you so you can read them... just give me like 2 bucks man... I just need a couple bucks to get through the day. Hey... maybe one's a lost flame... I can get you laid man... c'mon... just two bucks." 

Um... MySpace and Facebook are free... welcome to 2009.  Now go away and sit in the corner with all the other misfit homeless websites... excite... friendster... and geocities.