Mike Tyson was in court today because of his latest drug arrest. The boxer’s attorney has opted against an insanity plea because in the court of law, pleading you’re Mike Tyson means you’re crazier.

The owners of a bakery were fined after a worker nearly suffocated to death from being trapped under a trough of dough. After hearing this Star Jones said, “That’s my dream; that lucky bastard.”

“American Idol” has received complaints about the judges being extra cruel in their new season. In response, Fox said they would void the clause in Paula Abdul’s contract that allows her to take shots of Jack Daniels before an assessment.

Authorities at a Thailand zoo have put a male panda on a new eating regimen after the panda became too fat to have sex. According to the zoo nutritionist, the panda had been on "The Artie Lange Diet."

Kevin Federline will appear in a commercial for Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co., which will air during the Super Bowl. The company is hopeful that the millions of dollars they'll spend on the ad will reach all three K-Fed fans.

According to a published study in Spain, traces of cocaine can be found on 94 percent of all their banknotes. This finally explains why all the Spanish rulers on the banknotes are at a disco.

A Chicago couple that purchased a Microsoft Zune for their 12- year-old daughter found it contained an hour and 44 minutes of pornography. Disgusted with the product, the couple immediately exchanged the Zune for an I-pod, which can hold up to 75 hours of pornography.

Research found that two hours of less then strenuous activity, such as cleaning the house lowers the risk of bowel cancer. In response to this all men agreed and said, “That’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

A rare German sports car driven formerly by Adolf Hitler; is being auctioned off and could sell for as much as $12 million. The car has a 3-1itter V12 engine, can produce 485 horsepower, and conveniently gets 10 Jews to the gallon.