UN Ambassador John Bolton is resigning.  Bolton will join the road production of “The Teddy Roosevelt Story” as Wilfred Brimley’s understudy.

Jay Leno is making news by suing an author for reprinting his jokes. Ironically, a small town newspaper placed the story under a picture of a cow named Michael Jackson being milked to death.

"A cow named Michael Jackson? Does it moo walk?" - Jay Leno

A wreath shaped like a peace sign is satanic according to some Denver residents. "We also believe christmas trees are nests for Keebler elves."

Comedian Paul Mooney has vowed to bury the N-Word. His act will now be filled with moments of silence.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade organizers, citing safety concerns, decided today to fly the parade balloons lower to the ground than usual - including this year's newest balloon, "Snoopy Pilots the Hindenberg".

A neuropsychologist has identified a condition where a person involuntarily “tastes” words. This appears to explain how one can be overweight yet never seem to stop talking long enough to eat.

Female chimpanzees become more sexually attractive to males as they age, even into old age, according to research published today. Said one male chimp, "Older gals are just easier to deal with when it comes to sex. There are no emotional entaglements or silly games to play. It's understood from the get go we are just friends with bananas."

Unelected Andres Obrador swore himself in as Mexico's "legitimate" president. Most of his advisors questioned why Obrador did not aim his sights higher by instead swearing himself in as the imaginary president of a better country.

India test fired a nuclear capable missile just days after rival Pakistan tested it's own missile. A spokesman for India proclaimed that their missile - code named "Helmet" - was longer and reached a wider area than Pakistan's missile - code named "Aardvark Nose".

Universal Music Group has sued MySpace.com claiming the site is infringing on the copyrights of thousands of songs and videos. MySpace responded that it protects artists rights while still keeping it real for all those pimps, hos and bitches in middle school.