A new study shows that women who suffer migraine headaches are at a lower risk of breast cancer than women who don't.  After the finding, doctors began urging women to fight breast cancer by spending at least two afternoons a week at Chuck E. Cheese with their kids.

At his victory speech in Chicago, a sea of Obama supporters chanted "Yes we can!"  Which means Obama supporters in Chicago are apparently not Cubs fans.

President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him on his victory.  Then he asked if he could repeat next year before realizing he mixed up his notecard with the one for black athletes.

The Obama victory was followed by traffic jams of thousands of celebrating motorists.  Making it okay this one time for liberals to ignore mass transit and excessively pollute their cities.

Gerard Damiano, the director of "Deep Throat", has died at the age of 80.  And thanks to karma, the Grim Reaper didn't warn him at all before coming. 

A government panel is advising that adult smokers under 65 get a vaccine to help prevent things like meningitis and pneumonia.  And if you don't have health insurance, keep in mind that a free vaccination is only a hundred thousand Marlboro Miles away.

Apple announced a 26 percent increase in quarterly profits.  Meaning that iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.

"Gossip Girl" star Taylor Momsen has been hospitalized.  The announcement came from a guy who knows a girl who heard from someone who's pretty sure she saw Taylor talking to an ambulance driver.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said the upcoming "credit tsunami" will have a severe impact on America.  He then explained that he didn't say "credit tornado", because people in trailer parks don't play the stock market.

The Chinese government arrested six people for their role in the recent milk contamination.  Their jail time will either be a whole sentence or 2 percent of that.