During his speech in Cairo, President Obama promised the Muslim world a new partnership with America.  Then, right on cue, Sasha Baron Cohen dropped down and plopped his ass in Mahmoud Abbas' face. 

The company behind the toxic pet food scare of 2007 will plead guilty.  They said it's a bitter pill to swallow, so the judge will wrap it in cheese and gently rub their throat while they chew it. 

The Federal Government accidentally posted a sensitive list of nuclear sites in the U.S.  Nobody took it seriously, however, because it was posted on Joe Biden's Twitter account.

Chinese officials claim to have found traces of cocaine in cans of Red Bull.  Who can blame them for being upset, because it's hard to silence free speech when people won't shut the hell up for five minutes.

In a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden openly taunts Americans.  Apparently by claiming they'll never find him, because he's disguised as a job.

Hillary Clinton warned North Korea against actions they will certainly regret later.  Like letting Michigan and Florida hold their primaries early and not have their votes count. 

A World War II era ship was purposely sunk off the coast of Florida.  To make sure it sank and stayed down, it was loaded with GM stock. 

A new study shows that big NFL players are prone to high blood pressure.  Great . . . another stat for dorks to keep up with in their fantasy leagues.

The Cavaliers now have their backs to the wall.  Well, they're piled on LeBron's back, which is against the wall, but same thing. 

Republican National Committee head Michael Steele said that the party will no longer apologize for past mistakes.  Because who has that much time, really?