The Obama administration announced that they don't want to place caps on corporate executive pay.  Taking the news as a loophole, big manufacturers will now pay their CEOs in greenhouse gases. 

The Senate will vote on a bill that would give the FDA regulation control over big tobacco.  If it passes, teenagers can expect to be targeted by a new cartoon named "Uncle Sam Camel".  

A Michigan woman who has visited a McDonald's for fifteen years received a surprise party at the restaurant on her 100th birthday.  Things unfortunately got awkward when Ronald McDonald accidentally made balloon animals out of her long, saggy breasts. 

During a speech to commemorate D-Day, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown mispronounced "Omaha Beach" when he called it "Obama Beach".  It may not have been a mistake, because he later referred to the "Battle of the Bulge" as "Dinner at Rush Limbaugh's House". 

"Land of the Lost" continues to get horrible reviews.  So being full of old dinosaurs isn't the only thing it has in common with the Republican Party. 

President Obama is promising to deliver 600,000 jobs this summer.  Ironically, those are all positions at the ever-expanding unemployment office.

Orlando guard Mickael Pietrus is abandoning his Kobe Bryant-endorsed shoes for the NBA Finals.  He made the announcement by telling a 9-year-old Honduran kid that LeBron won't be the only one not working this week.

In a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden openly taunts Americans.  Apparently by claiming they'll never find him, because he has disguised himself as a job.

Friends of David Carradine said he was just fine before going to Bangkok.  Coincidentally . . . friends of that Sham Wow guy said the same thing, only they weren't talking about Thailand.

After Obama's speech, many in the Muslim world said the judge and jury are still out regarding their opinion.  Well, those outside of Gitmo who know what a judge and jury are said that.