Celebrity tumor Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood for suspected drunk driving, but she said she was just speeding to get a late-night burger.

I see a couple things wrong with this story.

1. When Paris is drunk, it's usually someone else doing the driving.

2. She claimed to be "really hungry for an In-N-Out Burger." Again, see #1.

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador – X-rays revealed cell phones inside four inmates in El Salvador's maximum-securityprison, authorities said Wednesday. And by “inside,” I mean “ shoved up their anuses”. One of them even had a charger up there.

The prison now tops the list of places with incredibly shitty cell-phone reception.

Source: Associated Press

WASHINGTON - Scientists say abnormal "intersex" fish, with both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River and its tributaries across the Capitol Region, raising questions about pollution levels and the safety of the local tap water.

So, Washingtonians, if you see one of these swimming by, do yourselves a favor and crack open a Poland Spring.

Personally, I think she looks like both parents.

Thousands of hacky comedians mourned the loss of half their acts today. Luckily, Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger are still alive.

... I tried the same technique on Nicole Richie. Keep it up Nicole, you'll get there!

I was riding the subway this morning when I noticed a young woman got on. She was physically challenged and needed a cane to walk. The car was pretty full and I was standing nearby as she struggled to take her place among the commuters.

I watched the people that had seats stare at this woman. Yet, nobody got up so she could sit down. One girl, after watching this lady wrestle with her cane, closed her eyes and pulled the old "I'm sleeping so I can't see you" gambit.

At that point I couldn't take it any more. So I walked over, kicked out her cane and screamed down at her. "How dare you make us all uncomfortable with your affliction!" I yelled. "Do you think your withered leg makes you better than us? Because it DOESN'T!"

Hey, that's just the kind of guy I am. Any one of you would have done the same.

BOMBAY- The owner of a new restaurant in India will be changing its name because it angered so many people. Puneet Sablok said he didn't mean to offend anyone by calling his place "Hitler's Cross" and decorating the place with Swastikas; he was only trying to attract attention.

I did some research and found a bunch of new eateries around the world that will be following Mr. Sablok's lead in the interests of sensitivity.

• Pol Pot's Dumpling Hut

• Joseph Stalin's All-You-Can-Eat Homestyle Buffet

• Idi Amin's House of Pancakes

• Mao Ze-Dong's Hot Dog Haven

• Slobodan Milosevic's Intimate Café

• Papa Doc Duvalier's Hot Bagels

• Saddam's Presidential Pizza Palace

(Source: Associated Press)

MADRID, Spain - The Poincare conjecture involves topology, a branch of math that studies shapes. It essentially says that in three dimensions you cannot transform a doughnut shape into a sphere without ripping it, although any shape without a hole can be stretched or shrunk into a sphere.

The conjecture is named for French mathematician and physicist Henri Poincare, who proposed it in 1904. An analogous conjecture was proved for spaces of more than three dimensions over 20 years ago. But the specific 3-D case flummoxed mathematicians for years.

A problem was posed by puzzling, dense spots called singularities, which exhibited sudden, uncontrolled change. Perelman's breakthrough was to understand how to analyze these singularities, essentially neutralizing them for a while and allowing the Ricci flow to proceed smoothly and show what a given space is really like, topologically speaking.

THIS JUST IN:

Comedian Anthony DeVito’s head has just imploded.

He will be missed.

(Source: Associated Press)