Duuuuude.... tryptophan ROCKS!

I am so mad at John Kerry right now I can hardly see straight. With one badly told, overly-complicated, incredibly lame joke he has single-handedly turned our nation's finest hour into a complete and utter disaster.

From the original virtuous motives for going to war, to the meticulous collection of first-rate intelligence, to the ingenious planning and flawless execution of both the combat and exit strategies, to the humble, honest assessments of the advancements and setbacks, Operation Enduring Freedom has proven to be the most brilliant political and economic undertaking the United States has ever, or will ever, attempt. Our nation had never been richer, and terrorism on a global scale had been reduced to a trickle. We had truly won.

Then Senator John Kerry opens his mouth and ruins everything. Suddenly, we're facing over $8 trillion in national debt, a government that labels dissent "un-American" and almost 3,000 US casualties in Iraq. Not to mention a world that hates us a little more each day. All because of one thoughtless gaffe.

Well, Mr. Kerry, I hope you're happy. You've really done it this time.

Tonight, all over the country, kids will be out in force, trick-or-treating. Harmless, community-minded fun, right? Not according to the born-agains and fundies who are appalled that a "pagan" holiday is being celebrated in their midst, and can't seem to shut up about it.

I'm going to go out on a theological limb here and assert that, ancient Celtic practices aside, a 3-year-old dressed like a duck and collecting bite-size Milky Ways in a plastic bucket will not cause a Hellmouth to suddenly open on your street. And I don't think Jesus would get that upset over a little shaving cream in the hair. He'd probably even appreciate a sexy French maid or two. He did hang out with whores and lepers after all.

Oh, and don't think I'm letting you off the hook, Wiccans. If one more of you thinks you're rocking my world by smugly informing me the date of December 25th is "actually a pagan holiday, you know," I'm going to give you a free colon cleansing with a table-top prelit Christmas tree.

Now, outta my way. I have some 50% off candy to gorge on.

Despite polls that overwhelmingly indicate the Democrats will win control of Congress in the coming elections, President Bush is predicting the Republicans will emerge victorious once again.

He also sees a swift and decisive victory in Iran, a prolonged period of Global Cooling, and the opening next year of GazaDisney.

Oh, and personal jetpacks by 2008.

May have?

Steve Milton, 26, has worked long and hard to build a 3,300-pound ball made of rubber bands. He's pretty sure his ball has shattered the world record for... giant balls made of rubber bands.

When asked why he undertook such a task, Milton answered, "Well, I guess I'd have to say because I'm an idiot."

A new study reports that an Asian elephant named Happy successfully recognized herself in a mirror, which is an indicator of high intelligence.

Upon seeing her reflection, Happy immediately developed an eating disorder and a plastic surgery addiction.

An ancient Roman brothel that was preserved under volcanic ash 1,600 years ago has finally been restored and is once again open to the public.

Fellatia Handjobbia, pictured here, said she was delighted by the results and is eager to return to work.

NYC - City council lawmakers plan to introduce a bill that would ban trans-fats in city eateries. The mayor wants to change the health code as a way to banish the unhealthy fats, which are artificially created and are used to make french fries, and increase food's shelf life.

Stan Poulos, an opponent of these plans said, "The government can't tell me what to eat; it's my right to consume harmful fats, even though replacing them doesn't affect taste and could lessen my chance of heart disease."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home. I'm going to sit in my basement and breathe in lots of carbon monoxide. Because the last time I checked, this was still America."