Bill Maher failed to out key Republicans on his HBO show last Friday, despite promising to do so on Larry King. The FBI has been called in to investigate.

Agents have been working undercover to probe holes and expose cracks in what appears to be a conspiracy by political peter puffers.

Al Jazeera debuted it's english language news service today. Anchors on the new channel promised fair and balanced beheadings.

Republican Senator Trent Lott was elected today as minority whip. Ironically, he lost his last leadership position for praising someone who whipped minorities.

The book hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed. Entitled "If I Did It", it will include chapters such as "If the Pope Was Catholic" and "If Bears Shit In The Woods".

Supermax, America's toughest prison, is so understaffed that more than half of all inmate phone calls go unmonitored. The Department of Homeland Security wants all Supermax prisoners released back into society so they can be monitored 100% of the time by the Patriot Act.

Microsoft's new iPod clone goes on sale today.

It comes in the following colors:

"Panther" Black,

"Blizzard" White,

and "Who Gives a Crap?" Brown.

Ernest Charles Pusey, 111, was awarded a medal by Florida Gov. Jeb Bush for courage he displayed during a crass photo op.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,228722,00.html

Van Halen's Son Joins Band

Mega-band Van Halen announced today that Wolfgang Van Halen, Eddie's 15 year old son, will join the band on tour in 2007 as the new bass player. It will be his first professional gig. It was also reported that young Wolfgang recently went on his first date. He took the Coors Light twins to Dubai in his dad's Gulfstream and spent the weekend at Jackass 2: The Ride.

The Los Angles Police Department responded to a call for help from an asthma victim by chasing him for 20 blocks, tackling him and then punching him in the face until he was able to breathe normally.

Questioned as to why the police used such an extreme response, arresting officer Sgt. Hernia insisted that the force used was appropriate because it was likely that the suspect was carrying an inhaler.

Norway. According to a United Nations study Norway was ranked as the number one place to live in the world. Some of the criteria the UN used included per-capita income, educational levels, health care and number of fjords. The United States was ranked 8th but would have been number one had the criteria included gun ownership and number of meth labs.