Dark energy, an elusive force in astrophysics that may cause the ultimate end of the universe, was detected when researchers pointed the Hubble telescope toward supernova Alpha Ex-Wife.

Judith Regan defended her decision to publish OJ Simpson's new book because she, like Nicole Brown Simpson, was a victim of domestic abuse.

Apparently though, after Ms. Regan's victimization, someone re-attached her head.

Republicans chose John Boehner as minority leader today. In a show of bi-partisanship, Democrats will immediately stop pronouncing his name as "John Boner".

A bonobo ape that knows sign language repatedly pulled a fire alarm after promising her trainer she wouldn't. At a press conference the bonobo explained, "Sure I promised not to. But hey, I'm a FREAKING MONKEY! What kind of moron takes the word of a FREAKING MONKEY!"

The vatican reaffirmed today the practice of celibacy for priests and Weezer.

The U.S. senate is debating a bill that allows civillian nuclear shipments to India as an incentive for them to give up testing ultra hot curry chicken recipes.

New studies declare that eating chocolate and drinking red wine prevent heart attacks. It also increases your chances of one night stands with fat chicks.

Wal-Mart also will be adding the pills from the movie "The Matrix" to the plan, but will only sell the red pills in blue states and the blue pills in red states.

Today marks the 30th anniversary of the Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout — a day where smokers across the country are encouraged by friends and family to smoke less or quit entirely. As opposed to every other god damned day that they are nagged to death by total strangers about it.

The NFL's all time leading rusher Emmit Smith won Dances with the Stars last night. Emmit stated afterwards, " I am not a dancer. I'm a footbal player that dances with other dancers. That does not make me a dancer!."