India test fired a nuclear capable missile today just days after rival Pakistan tested it's own missile. A spokesman for India proclaimed that their missile - code named "Helmet" - was longer and reached a wider area than Pakistan's missile - code named "Aardvark Nose".

At the Asia-Pacific Summit today President Bush pointed out that times have changed. "The Vietnamese used to be commie pink-o's but now they are commie red, white and blue-o's....he he."

Israel ‘s deputy prime minister on Saturday said Israel should assassinate Hamas‘ leadership, ignore the moderate Palestinian president and walk away from international peace efforts. Hamas leaders asked for a timeout until Israel and Palestine can get into some kind of counseling.

They also requested Israel try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences, such as "I don't feel respected by those actions." rather than "You are a bunch of sucide bombing assholes!"

Tonight people in the north east wil be able to view the Leonid meteor showers between 11:45 PM and 2 AM. When scientists were asked where the best place to be was during the event they said bed.

"It's too damn cold to be out that late.", they declared. 

Universal Music Group has sued MySpace.com claiming that the social-networking site is infringing on the copyrights of thousands of songs and videos. MySpace responded that it protects artists rights while still keeping it real for all those pimps, hos and bitches in middle school.

During TomKat's wedding today the minister asked Tom if he would provide Katie with "...a pan, a comb, and perhaps a cat?"  Cruise responed, "I'll hook her up with that other stuff but I'm not a real big fan of pussy."

Israeli road blocks and check points along Road 60 in the West Bank makes what used to be a 20 minute ride a 2 1/2 hour ordeal. To raise awareness of the issue Palestinians have renamed the road the Long Island Expressway.

Retired Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor revealed that last year each member of the court received baked goods in the mail laced with enough rat poison to kill them all several times over. "I know that sounds bad", O'Connor said. "...but you never had to eat Scalia's tuna casserole!"

James Bond is back in the new movie "Casino Royale". This time 007 saves the world from the evil Brotherhood of Really Awful Thespians or B.O.R.A.T.