Female chimpanzees become more sexually attractive to males as they age, even into old age, according to research published today. Said one male chimp, "Older gals are just easier to deal with when it comes to sex. There are no emotional entaglements or silly games to play. It's understood from the get go we are just friends with bananas."

Public restrooms were opened today in Times Square for the holiday season. They feature baby changing stations and stroller parking, as well as less-conventional restroom amenities such as disco balls, a chance to take a photo with an oversized teddy bear and lubricated glory holes.

Unelected Andres Obrador swore himself in as Mexico's "legitimate" president on Monday. Most of his advisors questioned why Obrador did not aim his sights higher by instead swearing himself in as the imaginary president of a better country.

The Johns Hopkins Transplant Center in Baltimore performed the world's first quintuple kidney transplant today. When asked the reason behind doing five transplants at the same time, one of the doctors explained, "We could have done them seperately with significantly less risk, but its a short week. The only thing I'm carving up on Thanksgiving is a turkey!"

Mothers Against Drunk Driving are campaigning for all cars in the U.S. to be outfitted with breath-test interlock devices. Auto makers are 100% behind MADD and are proposing new car models such as the Soberlet Checkpoint, the Mercedes .08 BAL and the Toyota Matrix: Police State Edition.

The International Atomic Energy Agency is debating whether to provide technical assistance to Iran for it's 'peaceful' nuclear program. Despite clear evidence that the progam will produce weapons, Iran insists that it's goal is to create the worlds biggest EZ-Bake oven.

Michael Richards caused a sensation at the Laugh Factory by going into a tirade onstage and using the "N" word. Paul Rodriguez who was also on the bill told CNN that freedom of speech has it's limitations, just like his own career.

Mr. Rodriguez then waited outside the club until Mr. Richards came out and threw him under a bus.

Rep. Charles Rangel said he will introduce legislation to reinstate the military draft, with the promise of educational benefits in return for service. One of the most popular enlistment picks is sure to be the 'No-Show Air National Guard Pilot for Yale University Degree' package.

The New Mexico state fair was evacuated after radioactive material was reported to be on the grounds. Investigators later discovered that the the high geiger counter readings were caused by an unusually large bowel movement by the bearded lady.

Gasoline prices at U.S. pumps rose an average of a nickel a gallon over the last two weeks, ending three months of falling prices. Politicans everywhere were initially outraged but calmed down once they realized elections were over two weeks ago.

Congress did however react to the news of higher prices by passing legistlation that gives the right to build all future gas pumps exclusively to Diebold.