I am fairly certain that my doctor is not a fan of Obama's health care reform because his newly remodeled waiting room is covered in Death Paneling.

Twitch and Shout is a summer camp for kids suffering from tourettes. Most of them have never been camping.

For 11-year-old camper Josh McGree of Savannah, Georgia, just being outdoors is magical. "My favorite part was when we climbed the motherfuckin' tree. That shit was pretty awesome tits. I went as goddamn high as I could fucking go. It was really fun, you cocksucker"

The Comic-Con convention invades San Diego this week and will inject millions of dollars into the local economy over it's 4 day stay. Not everyone will benefit from the boost as the local hookers are expected to lose 10 times more than they did during the Star Trek convention.

40 years ago today the Apollo 11 moon landing was faked. Happy Anniversary to those involved. They have said that they are going to head back to the moon landing site and retrieve the American flag as well as all of the other props. This time they may not be lying because I have seen the moving trucks headed towards area 51 myself.

A man died Wednesday after falling into a vat of hot melted chocolate. His burial will be attended by his immediate family and 6 million ants.

Thank God that they included a bathroom break during the Michael Jackson memorial, or as some people refer to it, Al Sharpton's speech.

Pitchman Billy Mays has died of apparent natural causes. Like most things relating to Billy Mays, I ain't buying it!

With the breaking news of Michael Jackson's death combined with the threats from Iran, the traffic increase almost shut down the internet completely. Thank God that Paris Hilton didn't fart or it would have been anarchy!

Police in Dallas pulled over a van and found over 100 lbs. of marijuana stuffed inside of a cadaverless casket. Not since the death of Ronald Reagan has a casket carried so much dope.

Thousands of dead Floridians are registered to vote and some in Central Florida had ballots cast in their names long after their deaths. After hearing the news, John McCain immediately headed down to Florida to campaign directly at the cemetaries.