Newly released academic research from the University of South Florida suggests that Sarah Palin's attractiveness hurt her ability to gain votes this past election.

However, this finding has to be taken with a grain of salt; researchers admitted that whenever they attempted to factor in Palin's apparent disregard for wildlife, the environment, women's health, foreign policy and all-around glaring lack of intellectual curiosity, their interns kept bursting into flame.

During a checkup with the Yankees' team physician on Saturday, Alex Rodriguez was told that he had a cyst in his right hip that needed further examination.

Upon hearing this news, Rodriguez reportedly scowled and told the team doctor: "Her name is Madonna, and you will show her some respect!"

Have y'ever had somebody in your neighborhood, at your job, or in your building - a funny looking stranger that you had a nickname for, that you came up with to sort of amuse yourself? Something like Fuzzy McHarelip, or Jiminy Clubfoot - sure, sounds hurtful, but you don't really mean anything by it; it's just something you do for your own entertainment.

Then a day comes along, and that funny looking stranger does something nice for you. Sucks, doesn't it? Not the part that they did something nice - now you can't call them that nickname anymore:

"Hey, Martin!"

"Martin? I thought he was Harry No-Neck."

"Yeah...that was before he gave me that kidney." 

Never break wind near a pimp. 

I heard "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" on the radio the other day. 

I couldn't help but think: "Hunh. Guess he got tired of everybody calling him Encyclopedia." 

Have Y'Ever...

...gotten a Charlie Horse in your jaw? You know, you were yawning for a moment and then you got that weird muscle cramp, and it's absolutely EXCRUCIATING, right? And you try to move your jaw around to alleviate the pain, but it never works so you just wind up looking like a dog eating peanut butter til it goes away.

Have y'ever gotten the feeling that humans have gotten the short end of things in the animal kingdom? Don't get me wrong, now; opposable thumbs, upper brain, upright bipedalism? All cool things, love'em one and all. But I wouldn't turn down gills, wings, night vision or a good roar, either. And don't tell me you wouldn't dig it if women could purr when they liked you - would do away with a lot of that guesswork, y'know? And let's not forget the creatures out there that're 1/100th your size, yet can kill you with ONE STRIKE. I don't think it's fair that I could lose a fight with a scorpion that easily.

Have y'ever been walking along, minding your own business when you see a woman walking towards you, and she is a knockout in her own mind? She's got the stylish J-Lo sunglasses, straightened highlighted hair, the $500 outfit, the $700 5" stillettos and the $1,000 bag, and she is right in your path? And she's not paying attention cuz she's gabbing on her jewel-encrusted cell phone, so she doesn't notice that she's about to walk right into you until it's too late, but you do a nice little triple-fake that makes her lose her balance and break a heel? Isn't that SWEET?

Have y'ever been able to sense a screwjob coming a mile away? Happened to me this morning. I was in the subway, going to refill my MetroCard and the machine spat out mortgage papers at me. Call it a hunch, but I think the MTA's serious about that upcoming fare hike...

Have y'ever had to take a shit right out of the shower? How annoying is that? Feel like you wasted a perfectly good shower...

Have y'ever had to take a shit right after you'd just finished scrubbing the toilet? How annoying is that? Feel like you wasted twenty minutes moving your arm back and forth in a rapid motion...for nothing. Seems to me like you owe your elbow an apology. And maybe not just your elbow... 

Have y'ever been walking in the city on a busy day, lots of pedestrian traffic, lots of motor traffic, lots of dodging, weaving and whatnot...you get to a one-way street, and the light is against you. You decide to cross anyway - after all, traffic signals in New York are SUGGESTIVE ONLY - but you remember to look both ways. And as you are looking, you see nothing but tailights, and you realize that a car very well COULD be bearing down on you...but by the time you're looking in the right direction, you've already crossed the street. Exciting, isn't it? Felt your heart race a little, dincha? Just another split-second adventure in the city...

Have y'ever been cursed out by a Jamaican on a bicycle? It's always a very surreal experience when someone's calling you an asshole in another tongue, but trust me when I tell you that a bicycle adds a whole 'nother dimension: "Bumble clot! Batty Boy!" *ring-ring, ring-ring*

Have y'ever been standing on a subway platform, late at night, you've been drinking a little - okay, a LOT - and you're all by yourself, and it creeps into your head to...oh, I dunno...whip out your shit and aim for the third rail? If only to see if the electrical current will travel up the stream and back to you?

Have y'ever gotten a blowjob from a vegetarian? What about meeting a vegan that swallows? If that ain't irony, what is?

Have y'ever been on the can, and it's not a pleasant session to say the least, right? It stops and right before you can get up, it starts up again...it's almost like you're vomiting out your - well, you get the idea. And then it's finally done, and you go to clean up, and your finger accidentally pokes through the tissue? Is that not a moment of white-hot PANIC, or what? You may have washed your hands 20 times after, but that's ONE day you're not going for tacos, that's for sure...

Have y'ever tried to invent a new expression or slang term? It's easier than it looks...sometimes all you have to do is lop off a syllable:

"Dude, that's just 'pugnant...quit poking that dead skunk!"

Sometimes you might wanna take out a whole word:

"Look...I don't care what you have to do, but I made a reservation for two, and if I don't get my table in the next ten seconds, this is gonna ugly."

Oh, and by the by - the phrase "thank you much"? - I TOTALLY invented that.

Have y'ever been in a standing 69 with your date, and you're really getting into it, and you decide you're gonna make'em feel things that they've never felt before. You want to leave her wet and screaming like the day she was born! And it's around this time that all the blood's gone to your head, because you've forgotten that SHE'S the one holding YOU - so you start working it, the 'gasm hits and next thing you know, you're on the recieving end of a tombstone piledriver.

Doesn't that just suck?

Have y'ever gotten the feeling that it's just you?  

Q: Why did Papa get a brand new bag?

A: Cuz Mama's got a squeeze box, and he had to sneak that thing out of the house somehow!

Heh. That felt good. 

Back in November, the Huffington Post reported that Sarah Palin could get $7 Million Dollars to write a book.

Skipping the obligiatory Write-a-book?-I-didn't-even-know-she-could-read comment, I do wanna say that I think this is pretty short-sighted. I don't care about Sarah Palin's story, because we already know it. I'm tired of her story already, and I have no interest in hearing it in her own voice. It'd probably sound a lot like Huckleberry Finn - except with twice the tits, three times the racism and none of the biting social commentary.

No...Sarah Palin's isn't the story to be published. Bristol's is. Bristol's the one with the story - especially after her interview on Fox News.

It's the classic narrative, and it's one that every woman can resonate with even more so than Mrs. Golly G. Shoot-a-Moose over there.

How My Mother and a Boy F*cked Up My Life - By Bristol Harley Davidson Palin.

If you think Oprah won't fall over herself to endorse that, then I've got a pipeline to sell you. 

Greg Manuel: "Hey...what's that over there?" 

Thousands of Comcast subscribers in Tuscon were stunned this past Sunday, when with 3 minutes left to the game, their broadcast of the SuperBowl cut to a 30-second clip of a pornographic movie instead of an instant replay of an Arizona touchdown pass.

I don't know which is more damaging - jumping from an exciting 4th Quarter play to 30 seconds of male frontal nudity, or  jumping from 30 seconds of male frontal nudity to a close-up of John Madden.