...brought to you by the typical morning commute, the onset of Spring and Deez Nuts brand trail mix. The only trail mix with five kinds of peanuts, three walnuts, fourteen pistachios and an acorn in each bag, but that's just too long to put on the label. 

Women with visible back wounds should not wear halters.

This Hard New York Lesson was brought to you by Deez Nuts brand trail mix. Mmm, this trail mix is GREAT! What's in it?

The world would be a safer place if nerds got more ass.

...someone is missing a call from their fuck buddy because they ran out of toilet paper.  

Nicholas Hughes, son of "tragedy-scarred poets" Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, committed suicide last week by hanging himself.

I guess sometimes the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. And when you use rope, it won't even make it to the ground...

What else is there to say, except: easiest...delivery...EVER! 

...and among the disclaimers that popped up on screen: "Warning: Does Not Protect Against Pregnancy, HIV or Other STDs." Well...considering we're talking about a product designed to help a man maintain an erection for a full day and a half, I would imagine NOT, wouldn't you?

That would be like buying a Big Mac, and right there on the packaging: "Warning: Does Not Promote Weight Loss."  

I'm listening to my local classic rock station right now, and the playlist for the past hour has got me thinking...

I wonder if the architect who designed the Hotel California ever worked on the House of the Rising Sun? And if so, did he have a red right hand? Because both seem to be some seriously creepy places that you'd generally would want to avoid, don't they? Probably frequented by a lot of Riders of the Storm...fresh off the Crazy Train...

And I bet at least one of those buildings probably has a White Room w/ Black Curtains, too...hell, if not BOTH of them...

The Beatles' "Come Together" just finished playing - I dunno, that song always seems to me like a bukkake video title waiting to happen. Though maybe I'd be giving pornographers too much credit to come up with something THAT clever...even if they ARE Japanese...

And just how did Billy Joel manage to get away with direct references to masturbating AND drug dealing in "Captain Jack"? Just HOW old is that song again? Uncanny...

But you know what's funny? He made a ballad out of arguably some of the most backhanded lyrics ever. Ever pay attention to the lyrics to "Always a Woman?" Damn, who was HE pissed at when he wrote that song? I bet there are chicks that've gone to his concerts HOPING to hear that shit. And there they'd be, swooning at the Piano Man..."hey...waitaminnit...!!!"

You know what's even funnier? I bet none of you expected this from The Black Guy...  

Driving along the other day, I saw something that I think I'd never seen before. It was so mundane, yet it never occurred to me that I'd never seen it before until I saw it. Still with me?

Anyway, the thing in question: an ice cream truck filling up at a gas station.

Isn't that odd? You go your whole life experiencing something, and somehow your mind treats that thing as if it exists OUTSIDE of the logic and rules that applies to the rest of us. An ice cream truck needing fuel. Simple. Logical. And yet, downright bizarre. It's like finding out that your parents have an active sex life. You know it had to happen at least ONCE (or however many times, depending on how many siblings you have), but try to picture it. You can't, can you? Probably because your brain doesn't WANT to for fear it will melt, but still...

Or to take it further; it's like finding out your teacher uses douche. Back when you were a schoolkid, didn't you all but assume your teacher just wasn't a real being? After all, you only experienced your teacher within the boundaries of school. At the most, you probably assumed she just LIVED at school. Hell, if you knew me when I was 8, and you told me my teacher was in fact a robot, and after 3pm rolled around and we'd all gone home, the janitor flicked a switch behind her hair and wheeled her into a closet, I would not have found a problem with that theory AT ALL. But then Saturday rolls around and you're at your CVS, minding your business but who should you see in the feminine hygiene aisle..."Mrs. Blumenthal??"

Blumenthal...that seems to be a name that kind of seals your professional fate, doesn't it? You never hear about the Adventures of Captain Blumenthal and his Screaming Justice Rangers, or John Blumenthal, Trailblazing Civil Rights Champion - or even Harvey Blumenthal, Porn Icon - but say you have an appointment with Doctor Seth Blumenthal, Long Island-based podiatrist. Better make sure you find the one who has YOUR chart...  

Political pundit Tucker Carlson recently went on CNN to comment on comedian Jon Stewart's blasting of CNBC, calling him a "partisan hack" and predicting that Stewart would become "so self-serious and sanctimonious that it's just a matter of time before he becomes unfunny."  

Tucker Carlson is of course the former co-host of the CNN program "Crossfire," which had Stewart as a guest back in 2004. During his segment, Stewart had chastised Tucker for his own contribution to political discourse in this country, and also called him, to paraphrase: "a dick in a bowtie."

And the award for Swiftest Comeback goes to...

The Associated Press has confirmed that Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin have not only called off their engagement, but have broken up completely.

This news came as a great shock to a single person - one Alan Goldstein of Brooklyn, New York - who had just awoke from a fifteen year coma. On top of learning that a teenage boy would not be marrying the girl he impregnated, he was also surprised to learn that wrestling is scripted, baseball players take performance-enhancing drugs and that the President of the United States is black.