Y'ever go to text somebody, and lose interest halfway through?

*beep-be-deep-bee...* Ehhh, screw it I'll just tell'im tomorrow... 

Republican Senator John Ensign (NV) has stepped down from his leadership post, after admitting he carried on an extramarital affair with a woman who was on his campaign staff. 

There's a lot of speculation as to his next move; with what we know about him now, I'd say he's already a halfway decent Democrat.

Billy learns from plannedparenthood.org that 35 million couples around the world practice the "withdrawal method" of birth control. Billy also knows that the circumference of the planet Earth is 24,900 miles.

If every person who practiced the "withdrawal method" of birth control were lined evenly along the Equator, and Billy were to circumnavigate the globe at 150 miles per hour - how often could Billy expect to spot a dumbass? 45 points.

Following the controversy with a monologue joke from Late Show host David Letterman, Sarah Palin told Today Show host Matt Lauer that if her daughter Willow ever met Letterman in person, she "would want to react to him in a way that maybe would catch him off guard."

...like beg him to adopt her.

For the website Ananova.com, Gwen Stefani discussed the grounding nature of her family with rocker husband Gavin Rossdale.

Interestingly enough, she didn't have that much to say about her 10 month old son Zuma, except "He sh*ts strained bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."

Is Sarah Palin actually trying to pick a fight with David Letterman?

So Letterman made a joke implying her daughter "got knocked up by A-Rod" during Sarah's trip to New York - a reference to 18 year old Bristol. In response, Palin has not only claimed that Letterman was actually talking about her 14 year old, Willow...but also released a statement implying that Willow "would not be safe" around him.

You know what - I don't think Letterman's the real danger here, Sarah - y'might wanna think about keeping Willow away from the local hockey team, frankly.

They seem to have caused you quite a bit of grief already...

...and that's true, to an extent. A lot of it depends on expectations. For instance, when I'm performing at a comedy club, I'm performing for an audience that has come in with the expectation of laughing. So in a sense, they're already meeting me halfway.

Which is something I'm always grateful for, because I was at a funeral the other day, and you talk about a tough crowd...

...you'd think someone died.  

First time I ever met a crowd that hated knock-knock jokes. And what venue needs six bouncers?!

In the latest edition of ROLLING STONE magazine, American Idol Runner-Up Adam Lambert will put to rest the mystery of his sexual orientation.

You are in the presence of the ever-elusive, and extremely rare comicus nuffsaidius: The Joke That Needs No Punchline. Please do not be alarmed, and try not to make any sudden moves.

Beautiful, isn't it?

I'm not saying Lady Gaga comes off like a nightclub skank, but I'll bet anybody a Happy Meal that when she came up with "Poker Face," she was in a men's room stall...

...and her knees were sore the whole next day...

...and that was just three more guys who'd never call back. 

On an Australian talk show, Kelly Clarkson said she wished the American entertainment media would focus less on her appearance, and more on her glaring lack of versatility as a singer.

Just kidding...I like her music, myself - my personal favorite is that one song where she screams in the middle.