Very unexpectedly this afternoon, Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska.

And very predictably moments later, Keith Olbermann spontaneously ejaculated in his pants.

With regards to his affair with Argentine divorcee Maria Belen Chapur, Governor Mark Sanford's spiritual advisor Warren "Cubby" Culbertson described Sanford as being "gripped by darkness."

Naturally, Chapur herself blushed to learn that her daily Kegel exercises were a topic of discussion in Sanford's spiritual group.

Y'think Lady Gaga was popular in high school?

I think she was. In fact, I bet her yearbook had scores of entries...

...and by "yearbook," I mean her uterus. 

If there's anything I expect out of Michael Jackson's funeral, it will be this:

1) Somebody'll need to hold Chris Tucker up. I have a feeling he's going to faint a few times.

2) As much money he made from Michael, "Weird" Al Yankovic had better show up.  

Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota had some sharp words regarding fellow Republican Mark Sanford's extramarital affair...even going so far as to compliment Jenny Sanford for not standing by her husband during his press conference confession.

Gov. Pawlenty: "It's a sad and troubling situation with Jenny and Mark Sanford. I know them. I'm proud of Jenny for her strength and her commitment to her family...Frankly, I was glad to see her not standing at the press conference like many have, and kind of charting her own path."

Translated: "So listen Jenny...if y'ever find yourself in need of a little of that T-L-C once the kids are all tucked in for the night, why don't you g'wan ahead and give Big Timmy a call. I could have a 'copter waiting for you right now, baby. Just say the word, and you can swing by the Governor's Mansion for a mouthful of Good an' Paw-lenty anytime you want it. Awww, yeah."

News of the World UK is reporting that Michael Jackson once wrote a play starring his children, wherein they meet a child murderer - and discover that he's not all that bad a guy.

Damn...he wrote plays, too?!

At 2:26pm PST yesterday, Michael Jackson was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center following a case of massive cardiac arrest.

At 2:27pm PST, the family of Farrah Fawcett filed suit against Michael's surviving family, on charges of Grand Theft Thunder.

Goodbye, Michael. Thank you for the music. Would that you could've gotten the help you clearly needed, but I guess we were too busy calling you a freak out of one corner of our mouths, and humming "Billie Jean" out the other.

Y'know what gets me about that whole mess? Even if David Letterman was talking about Willow and not Bristol, everybody who weighed in on that non-issue were acting like 14 is this pure, sweet time in a child's age. No, it's not! That's what you call being 7.

14 is that time we call "adolescence," and that is when the hormones start kicking in, and the dirty thoughts take over. 14 may be underage, but it's not that innocent.

I gotta be clear on this - it may be underage, but it's not that innocent.

Don't you remember what that age was like? The bra-stuffing, the practice-kissing, the undie catalogs under the mattress? It may be underage, but it's not that innocent.

I'm not gonna even pretend otherwise - when I was 14, not only did I know for a fact that I was right-handed...

By the time I was 14, I'd known it for a year!  

Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett are making plans to marry.

Makes sense, I suppose - after all, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free for over 30 years until the cow's near death? 

That's just smart shopping, right there...drives down the price of cow.