President Obama is a few hours away from delivering a major speech regarding health care reform to the joint session of Congress tonight.

Sources inside the White House say that the President is still working on his speech, and is re-considering opening his remarks with "Scuse me while I whip this out!"

I dunno if all the good cartoons are on basic cable during prime time nowadays, but what’s on network TV Saturday mornings looks like the toy aisle at a Dollar Store. 

Ripping on Heidi Montag in that razor-sharp manner of yours doesn't CONFIRM rumors that you're gay...but it doesn't REFUTE them either. 

Senator Ted Kennedy succumbed to brain cancer this week, dying at the age of 77.

Kennedy will be interred at Arlington National Cemetery with his brothers; a decision reached by the White House after ignoring a petition from the Kopechne family for a burial at sea.

Where once you could find a Woolworth's on every other street corner, in its place you now have Starbucks. Where once you could get a grilled cheese, stockings, a 1-lb. sack of Tootsie Rolls, school supplies, underwear, a Transformers action figure and a pet goldfish, you can now get overpriced coffee and overpriced coffee accessories. 

We sure do like getting screwed in this country, don't we?

Associated Press: "The body of ex-model Jasmine Fiore was found Aug. 15 in a suitcase that had been dumped in a trash bin in Orange County, Calif. Fiore, 28, had been strangled. Her teeth and fingers were gone, and her body was so mutilated that investigators had to identify her though the serial number of her breast implants, prosecutors said Friday."

Me: Identified by her breast implants...sure, why should death be any different?

I was planning to visit Mr. Small, the local Medium but when I got to his place he was being shoved into a police car. Turns out, he was at Large. 

Hm. It appears my Dick Cheney voodoo doll doesn't look quite enough like Dick Cheney. Either that, or my hair supplier in DC lied to me... 

...and  I gotta say I find it interesting that you can actually buy luggage at the airport. Now I don't fly all that often, but I can't imagine there's people running around here with armfuls of clothes: "Hmm...there's gotta be an easier way to do this - oh, look!" 

Former President Bill Clinton is in North Korea today seeking to negotiate the release of two American journalists imprisoned under charges of espionage.

Clinton was overheard cursing under his breath when he stepped off the plane; apparently when he accepted this assignment, he'd forgotten that geisha are only available in Japan.