Wendy's restaurants announced that they will no longer discriminate against gay people in hiring or firing. Now the answer to, "Where's The Beef?" will be, "You're lookin' at it. May I take your order?"

The government of South Dakota recently outlawed all abortions even in cases of rape or incest, so if your daddy rapes you, you still have to have the baby. Which should pretty much account for the government of South Dakota.

A South Dakota Senator said that abortion has become a "convenience" for young girls. Like you're in the middle of sex, and she says, "What, you don't have a rubber? I'm not on the pill... oh, hell with it, I'll have an abortion. No sweat, get it at Wal-Mart. They have a clinic, $19.95. And you want a laugh? It's right next to the Pampers! Law-zee!"

Kim Jong-Il launched a few test missles in the air, saying that the explosions reminded him of the flares sent up by the castaways on his favorite television series, "Rost."

CNN's Jack Cafferty said of the anti-gay marriage amendment that recently was voted down by the Senate, "This is all being done by the Republican majority in an effort to appease the right-wing nuts in their party ahead of the upcoming midterm elections."

He also reported that Manhattan is in New York.

Ann Coulter called me for lunch! She said, "It has to be today, because one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is dropping out, and tomorrow I start riding lessons."

So I looked for the restaurant, and was able to find it by merely following the slime trail she leaves everywhere. When I got to the restaurant, she was sitting at a table, and she's very skinny - flies were swarming all over her - and I said hello.

She uncrossed her legs, and - faux pas - I fell in.

Thank God for the sign in her vagina that said, "You Are Here."

When I came out and scraped off the barnacles, she said, "Ready to order?"

Howard Stern, in a rare display of social conscience, has vowed not to marry again until gays and lesbians can legally get married.

However, he still reserves the right to make jokes about them and host naked lesbians in the studio.

Right wing radio host, Michael Savage, recently said, “You must never elect an overt, pushy lesbian or homosexual to any office... They will only work for their sexual ends. They will not think about national security. They will only think of gay security, gay security, gay security, gay security, gay propaganda, gay propaganda, gay security, gay security.”

He’s got to do something about that stutter.

Ann Coulter visited her gynecologist, and after putting her in the stirrups, the doctor said, "My God, that is a big pussy. That is a big pussy."

Coulter said, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor said, "I didn't."

Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from open heart surgery. The serial rapist and perpetual liar is resting comfortably at his home in Chappaqua, New York, which was purchased solely so that his evil wife could run for the Senate, and thus assume her nefarious and inevitable rise to the position of Queen Of The Damned.

Plus: Terri Schiavo is dead, but the fight to save her goes on.

And: Cindy Sheehan - why hasn't someone whacked her yet?

Up Next: Minorities, the poor, and other myths.

A conservative "family values" group recently got video footage of a gay-rights rally held in Washington removed from a promotional video at the Lincoln Memorial, because they said it implied that Lincoln supported gay people.

Well, we know he supported the theater ...