On the anniversary of 9/11, we must stand behind our president, and see that he is the one man with the guts, courage and rock-solid conviction to go to war and get the terrorists, by any means necessary, with other people's children.

I went to a gym and said, "How much is it for a year?" The counter guy said, "It's gonna take longer than a year."

I figured out that if I do 20 minutes of cardio, I lose an eighth of a pound. So if I do 1280 days of cardio, I'll be gone.

I try to stay healthy. I read that every 45 seconds a person is infected with a venereal disease. This is true. I know this person. You can never get him on the phone.

I'll be here all week.

The Salisbury, N.C. school board banned a gay/straight alliance because the abstinence-only sex education program prohibits "sex clubs."

I grew up in N.C., and after the faculty advisor left, every club, including Chess and Home Ec, became a sex club.

Guy Adams, a representative of a right wing organization called “Renew America,” said that the latest “trend” among gay men is sex with infants.

No, that would be Demi Moore.

Now that "Snakes On A Plane" is a hit with the horror audience, Michael Moore plans to make another hit with the liberal audience called, "Snakes On Ann Coulter."

Swimmer and gay athlete Daniel Veatch recently broke the world record in the 200 meter backstroke at Montreal's Out Games.

We're here, we're queer, we're talented on our backs!

Mel Gibson claimed that he said the anti-semitic words because he was drunk and he really didn't mean it. From personal experience: I've been drunk a lot, and whatever I say when I'm drunk, I really mean.

One drunken night I said, "I want to have sex with everyone in this room."

I just wish I hadn't said it in church.

Companies seem to be laying off employees rather than fixing the problem from within. It's like a pilot coming out during a plane ride and saying, "Folks, one of the engines blew up, so some of you are going to have to jump. But if you do we can offer a $200 travel voucher on any future United Airlines flight."