British man James Seaton is on trial for beating a woman with a hammer and then sawing off her head after she revealed she was a lesbian.

Ah, the irony - if she hadn't been a lesbian, there wouldn't have been all those tools lying around.

Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, called Bush a "devil" on the floor of the UN. Where he got the idea that Bush is a devil, I have no idea.

The Family Research Council, the nation's #1 "family values" organization, is holding a "Values Voters Summit" to support political candidates who share their, "beliefs and values."

To celebrate this occasion, I would like to affirm my beliefs:

- I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the 8th grade level.

- I believe in the right to life—that the fetus has the same rights as we do, and that it should have to stand in line at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles like the rest of us.

- I believe that everyone should abstain from sex before marriage, because only after marriage can one truly realize the horrible mistake they have made.

- I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that gay people should be able to get married because they deserve to have their sex life destroyed just like everyone else.

- I believe that no man should be able to dress like a woman because there are plenty of ugly women to go around and they deserve a fighting chance.

- I believe that pornography can do great harm to people, especially when everyone sees their naked pictures on the Internet.

- I believe that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but a syringe is much faster.

- I believe that children are the future, but still should be seen and not heard until they are 17 and cute.

- I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. That is why, for justice, I must go to Don Corleone.

Some friends of mine came to visit me from Holland and said, "We would like to go to Haarlem."

I said, "Well, just so you know, the Dutch influence has waned over the years."

Hayden Christensen has refused to confirm or deny rumors that he is gay, saying, "It's fun. I enjoy the speculation."

Watch for a new "Star Wars" movie starring a new character, "Darth Phyllis."

A priest in Texas has condemned Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for using sex to sell their music, saying, "Jessica and Ashlee will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell."

Thank God they have their plastic surgeon on speed-dial.

The Pope made a speech that cited a reference to Islam as "evil and inhuman," which has inflamed Muslims around the world.

They have responded to this horrifying slander by bombing churches and killing nuns, but evil and inhuman? Surely you jest.

The new film, "Death of a President," fantasizes about the assassination of George W. Bush, and shows him getting shot and then guesses what life will be like after that.

I just have to stay to the filmmakers - STOP TEASING US.

Debra LaFave, the school teacher who had sex with a teenage student said, "Yeah, he wanted it, and yeah, I gave it to him."

The network edited out one key word, "Syphilis."

The authors of "The Architect," a book about Karl Rove, reveal that he had a gay father and regularly dealt with openly gay Republicans as he worked to pass the anti-gay marriage amendment. The revelation that Rove drinks the blood of infants for breakfast was not included.