A MAN has been charged with kidnapping and raping a 14-year-old American girl who was found in an underground bunker after alerting her mother by text message. Also found hiding in the bunker was a large Australian stingray.

On September 7^th Anna Nicole gave birth to a healthy 6 pound, 9 ounce baby girl. On September 18th Anna announced the newborns engagement to 57 year old oil tycoon Jimmy Biggs. The pair have set a spring wedding.

Vatican officials insisted the pope did not intend to be offensive and expressed regret over any hurt caused to Muslims. He then expressed his remorse by demonstrating his best Bullwinkle impression.

San Francisco - The number of people sickened by an E. coli outbreak traced to tainted spinach rose to 110 this morning as the famed Popeye The Sailor was found dead in his houseboat in the San Francisco bay area. Popeye was 98 years old.

NASA is placing blame on space station custodian Juan Garcia after other crew members stated they heard Garcia shouting out,  "I'M FUUUUULLLL!"