I like to play a game in mall parking lots. It's called Mallrat Race.

Requirements:

1. Lots of free time.
2. A pair of keys (preferably at least three on a keychain so as to create a good dangling effect).
3. A large mall parking lot.

The Rules:

Walk through mall parking lots (or NYC streets) dangling your keys, and wait for someone to begin to follow you slowly. As they stalk you, never make eye contact, but point forward as if directing them to your car. Walk as far out as you can without looking at them, always semi-reassuring them you're headed to your car by fumbling with your keys. Now, if you're at a mall, HERE'S THE FUN PART—make a complete circle and walk back into the mall. If you're on the street, enter any store.

That's it. Oh what loads of fun you can have pissing people off by wasting their time.

"F" it! You're a COMEDIAN son, and that's what you live for :-)

WARNING: Sudden capture can lead to imprisonment and extreme constipation.

As Hollywood studios prepare to release "Hollywoodland," which investigates the supposed suicide of George Reeves, as well as "The Black Dahlia," which concerns the murder of aspiring actress Elizabeth Short, Suge Knight has released the following statement:

"I didn't do it! I wasn’t even born yet when them m@th#rf*ck#rs died!”

5. He got tired of his chronic pedophilia being ignored in Thailand, and knew that we Americans weren’t as "progressive" thinking.

4. He wanted to uphold the lineage of three-name serial killers.

3. He wanted to make a hot new video for YouTube.com.

2. He ran outta money for an airline ticket back to the States when he splurged on a young boy named Sung Dok Khan.

1.CRAZY PEOPLE LOVE ATTENTION!

Ringo Starr’s ex-wife, Barbara Bach, has been hospitalized after being kicked by a horse. Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills, now fears for her life after seeing this horse outside of her home recently.

The Bank of Jamaica is releasing commemorative gold and silver coins with the late Bob Marley’s likeness on them. The British Royal Mint will print 1,000 coins to be sold at $100 each... or 10 dime bags.

A group of boys in California, posing as a 15 year-old-girl on MySpace.com, to help cheer up a friend who had recently broken up with his girlfriend, have helped police arrest a 48-year-old Internet predator.

The man began to send messages to the “girl” soon after the profile was created. When conversations began to have sexual overtones, he eventually arranged to meet “her” at a public park. The man was brought into custody and was heard yelling, “... and I would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and their weed-smoking dog.”

A recent study appearing in the British Medical Journal discovered that kids who get blood drawn while watching cartoons felt less pain than those who were being yelled at and ridiculed by their parents for being, “Wussies.”

Actor, Samuel L. Jackson, recently revealed that American Idol Season 1 finalist, Justin Guarini, is related to his wife.

When asked what he thought of Guarini’s talent, Jackson said, “I still think that M@?#*$*&^%er sucks!”

With the recent below-expectation box office performances of "Miami Vice" and last summer’s "Dukes of Hazzard" and "Bewitched," industry insiders are suggesting that Hollywood stop rehashing old TV series for inspiration, as well as using former cast members for cameos.

Winners: The Viewing Public.

Losers: Dustin "Screech" Diamond, Marc "Skippy" Price and that Schneider guy from "One Day At A Time."