In an effort to ease tensions, the new Iraqi government plans to release 2,500 detainees back into society. No word on when a society will be available for the detainees to enjoy.

My Cast is Gay.

For those of you out of the loop, 5 days ago I broke my right leg. Today, with the swelling having gone down, I went to have a cast put on. After having the cast applied, imagine my shock as I looked down and saw a flaming, out-of-the-closet, baby blue cast. Now, I consider myself an enlightened liberal, but I just never thought I would have a gay cast. I've been a straight male my entire life. What do I know about wearing a gay cast? Well, since the initial surprise, I've come to accept my homosexual healing wrap. However it wants to express itself, I will be there to support it. This is 2006, and we should all be above orthopedic discrimination. So here goes: I love you little queer cast. Go out there and gay it up.

The Ku Klux Klan to Enter the World Cup!

Jeff Berry, Imperial Wizard of the American Knights of the KKK, has announced his intention to enter a team into the World Cup Soccer tournament, to be held in Germany. "Personally, I think soccer is for homos, but those soccer fans over there really know their racism, and I respect that." Berry hopes the exposure will help with the flagging enrollment in the U.S. by attracting, "Soccer moms and their retarded-everybody's-a-winner-sons."

Nintendo is introducing a new video game controller. It only has a few buttons but it can simulate the movement of various onscreen tools by simply moving it in front of the screen. Nintendo is hoping the slimmed-down device will add some much needed exercise to the gaming communities' only other physical activity, furious masturbation.

Barry Bonds hit his 715th homer to surpass Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. In contrast, the guy who almost caught the prized ball, only to lose it to a guy waiting in line for hot dogs, went home and hit his wife and kids 716 times.

Inside sources from the West African hospital say that Brad and Angelina have done the impossible and produced an astoundingly unattractive offspring, somehow mixing up the perfect genes of her parents into a grotesque combination of features. One nurse described the baby as a small, angry Jon Voight—the new grandpa's genes apparently skipped a generation and, cruelly, switched genders. Los Angeles psychoanalysts are already positioning themselves for the years of expensive therapy little Shiloh will need as she becomes aware of her astonishing bad luck.

In case you are not already aware, Pat Robertson is spearheading the OPERATION SUPREME COURT FREEDOM! (I added the exclamation point, and imagine an echo when you say it). On his website, www.cbn.com/special/supremecourt/, he urges us to pray for divine intervention into the current liberally tilted Supreme Court. He suggests many prayer points. One of which is, "That additional vacancies occur within the Supreme Court." Since retirement for one of the liberal judges is not likely in the near future, and the conservatives are in danger of losing control of the House and/or the Senate later this year, I can only assume that Pat wants us to pray for the death of one or more of the court's liberal coalition of Justices: John Paul Stevens, David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer.

As the situation is urgent, a regular fatal illness may take too long and would not be effective. Therefore, I'd like to help by offering a prayer to our Lord Jesus, to let him know how urgent the situation is down here on Earth.

"Dear Lord, we pray that you will help the good Christians of this good Christian nation to take back control of our Highest Court, by smiting (killing) one or more of these heathen judges. Specifically Lord, I pray that John Paul Stevens be mangled beyond recognition in a terrible head-on automobile collision, and that the other car be filled with homosexuals and abortion doctors. Also Lord, could you please infect Ruth Bader Ginsburg with a virulent form of the Ebola virus, or perhaps the flesh eating bacteria, and that her life be taken swiftly in the grotesque manner befitting a liberal. Alternately, I pray that David Souter be struck in the skull by an out of control wrecking ball, or possibly trampled by an escaped zoo elephant. Additionally Lord, if you find it in your heart, please let Stephen Breyer be consumed in a housefire, as he will for all eternity in the fiery bowels of HELL (the caps mean to add extra gravity). We are grateful for your prompt assistance in this matter, Lord. Amen."

Remember, you are a soldier of God. Now go out there and kick some secular ass! (Imagine me smacking you on the rear)

It looks as though we're going to build a fence along the Mexican/American border. Although it seems a bit isolationist and xenophobic at first glance, I think it's an opportunity to enhance our relationship with our south-of-the-border hombres. I don't believe a series of ugly, chain-link fences is necessary. Luckily, the average Mexican is fairly short, so I say a height of six feet or so should do it. I propose a fence akin to the one from Tim Allen's beloved sitcom, "Home Improvement." That way, our president (standing on a small stool) could peer over the fence and give wise, fatherly advice to our economically challenged neighbors, such as, "Look out Jose! That's a rattler! Ha ha, gotcha again my little habanero." After that, a strict policy would go into effect of only electing presidents who can see over the fence.

To be completely fair, I believe a fence should also be built on our northern border, to keep Canadians from entering the country and/or the music business.

I took this while waiting to check in at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas, and it proves my theory: Camera Phones + White Trash = Art