Pirelli stock plummeted today as rumors floated that Sophia Loren, 71, will pose nude for the 2007 Pirelli calender. Gucci expressed an interest in the photos however, for use in their leather handbags section.

President Bush told the troops at Fort Bragg on July 4th that, "Our enemies are vulnerable." Much later in the speech he went on to identify our enemies as, "Any small child with Down syndrome."

Dick Cheney made an appearance at the Pepsi 400 Nascar Race on Saturday. After his plane, Air Force II, buzzed the crowd at 1000 feet, Cheney thanked the crowd for being easily distracted by loud cars and big planes. He then promised the 100,000 semi-retarded rednecks in attendance more shiny objects in the next two years, as well as plenty of f*gs and liberals to hate.

The military government of Myanmar has blocked the Google search engine and its mail service Gmail. Sites not blocked include www.everythinginmyanmarisperfectlynormal.org and www.militarydictatorsarenotcompensatingfortinypenises.com

Today, to my chagrin, I discovered a parking ticket on my car windshield. After my initial angry reaction, and insistence that I had not parked illegally, I noticed when I got home that the ticket was not written to my vehicle. I'd been a victim of the time honored scam of placing your parking ticket on someone else's car in hopes that they pay it without noticing. But I did notice, and after an exhaustive neighborhood search, I found the rightful owner of the ticket. I gingerly placed the ticket under their wiper, along with this note. Feel free to copy it and use it yourself:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I believe that you may have misplaced your parking ticket, but in a stroke of luck, I found it under the windshield wiper of my car! How fortunate for you. After a long and difficult search, I was able to locate your vehicle and return the ticket. I’m sure you want to thank me for returning your lost item, so feel free to email me at youreanasshole@gofuckyourself.com.

God Bless,

A Good Samaritan

Sen. Jarret T. Barrios of Massachusetts introduced a bill to ban the Fluffernutter sandwich from schools. The sandwich is made of peanut butter and Fluff, a concoction made from corn syrup, sugar, and eggs. The "My Wife Has A Giant Ass Because She Ate Too Many Goddamn Fluffernutters Act" is designed to save future marriages of young schoolchildren.

New studies have shown that breast-fed babies have 50-95% fewer infections than other babies. Other studies have shown that adult men who have access to breasts have 75% fewer homicidal impulses than other men.

New York City's annual Puerto Rican Day Parade was held Sunday on Fifth Avenue. This year's parade, brought to you courtesy of The Obesity Epidemic, was a resounding success.

President Bush even commented that, "Though most of these Puerto Ricans are in our country illegally, they will still be eligible for my 'guest worker' program."

I'll honk to that, Mr. President.

Today the U.S. announced it will offer trade deals to Iran to try to entice them to give up their uranium enrichment program, including a proposal to allow Iran to upgrade its aging civilian air fleet through the purchase of aircraft parts from an American company, Boeing.