"Hey, what the hell is going on over there? I have nuclear missiles and an unstable disposition! I'm dangerous! Okay, you forced me to say it...I also hate the Jews! They are responsible for my hair! Now can I get some attention please?," cried an angry Kim Jong Il yesterday.

Jong has threatened another missile test, this time swearing to launch Mel Gibson directly into Tel Aviv.

After his drunken, anti-Semitic rant to Malibu police officers Friday morning, Mel Gibson was named an honorary member of Al-Qaeda. "We don't support Mr. Gibson's alcoholic consumption, but his Jew-hating is quite advanced, and we need him on our team," an Al-Qaeda spokesman said today on Al-Jazeera.

The movie star and director will not have any involvement in the day-to-day operations of Al Qaeda, but he will have VIP status at Osama Bin Laden's hidden complex in Pakistan, as well as a featured profile in the 2006 edition of, "Celebrated People Who are Really Giant Assholes."

Increasing numbers of Americans are becoming too fat to fit into X-ray machines, U.S. researchers report.

The nation's rising obesity problems mean many citizens are not only too large for scanners but they have too much fat for the rays to penetrate.

Single males who frequent bars in the Midwest have suggested the X-ray machines drink a lot more Jagermeister.

Floyd Landis stands to be disqualified after testing for unusually high testosterone levels.

Let's do some simple math.

Floyd Landis lived with his parents in a strict mennonite community until he was 20 years old. If the average male starts producing sperm at age 10, that's a full decade of sperm production before Landis was allowed to masturbate. I don't have access to that powerful a calculator, but that must be a back up of trillions of those little guys. I'm no scientist, but as a male, I know this may cause an "unusually high level of testoterone."

By my calculations, Landis will have to masturbate continuosly for another 4 and 1/2 years for his testoterone to level off. Either that, or rent a room at the Playboy mansion for one year. With the stigma attached to the doping allegations, the latter seems unfortunately unlikely.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child, Shiloh, became the first infant re-created in wax by Madame Tussauds.

Pitt and Jolie's other children, Zahaha, one, and Maddox, four, are adopted and are not worthy of a wax recreation because they are ugly.

As an incentive to vote, the state of Arizona plans to offer $1 million to a lucky voter in a lottery drawn out of cast ballots. In addition, the voting booth will include a funhouse mirror and the candidates will be chosen in a "whack-a-mole" style arcade game.

The lottery and games are intended to attract the sought after, "almost retarded" demographic to the polling stations.

After winning his 10th major this Sunday in a stunnning performance, Tiger Woods offered to solve the current crisis in the Middle East. "Let's put things in perspective here guys," Tiger told an adoring press in the clubhouse, "I just shot a 5 under 67 and only used my driver once. I'm sure I can solve a 4000-year-old dispute."

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation donated three quarters of a billion dollars to researchers seeking an AIDS vaccine.

Magic Johnson also pitched in $100, in hopes of resuming his out of control sexual behavior with young groupies before he becomes that creepy, old, used-to-be-famous-or-something guy.

Actually, uh, too late.

A paralyzed man with a tiny sensor implanted in his brain was able to control a cursor on a computer screen with his thoughts. Matthew Nagle was able to open email, draw a crude circle, and play the video game Pong. Nagle thanked the team of doctors for giving him the powers of a telepathic 70's retard.

In light of a recent Supreme Court ruling, the detainees at Guantanamo will be allowed to challenge their incarceration in American courts, which may lead to the release of many. The Bush administration says they won't go home empty-handed though. They'll take home a nice gift bag, including such items as:

Several complimentary recurring nightmares

A free secret vasectomy

Microscopic "fun chip" implanted in arm

Free copy of Dr. Phil's book "Life Strategies" and newly released DVD "So You Just Got Out of Guantanamo--Now What?"

Starbucks gift certificate