Today an angry driver was tailgating me as I was not travelling fast enough for his taste. As he passed me he gave me the finger. As he drove past, I noticed this sign in the back window of his station wagon.

Dear Sir:
Sadly, you have lost control of your life. Your non-decision to allow this sign to be placed in your vehicle tells me all I need to know about your family life.

Specifically, you have been emotionally and psychologically neutered by your controlling wife and children, and no longer have the courage to remove this sign even when they aren't in the car. Your deeply suppressed testoterone manifests itself as road rage, but your gesture coupled with this sign only comes off as a pathetic grasp to regain your manhood. May I suggest you take control of your household sir, and be the man you have lost. Merely removing the sign will not do. Leave the sign, but you must kill all the ferrets in your house and then hang them by the rear view mirror in your vehicle. Only then will your finger receive the respect it deserves.

If you've been wondering if Billy Ray Cyrus is still touring, then you are probably in jail for beating your wife and/or blowing up a meth lab. But fear not. I took this picture on August 26th, 2006, at the Aztar Casino in Evansville, Indiana, and if you can make parole by Sept. 8th, you can see Billy's magic one more time. Sadly, the mullet is no more. But I'm sure his fans are still sporting it proudly.

Millions of Little People Prepare to Leave Earth

Millions of dwarves have made plans to leave Earth and make their way to the newly designated Dwarf Planet, Pluto.

"This is the moment we've all been waiting for. A planet of our own, with low countertops and tiny cars! Just imagine it," said an elated dwarf after hearing the news. "I never felt right here," said another female dwarf. "Now that I know where we came from... well, it's time to go home. So long Earthlings." The dwarves have begun building a giant but tiny spaceship, which will then be tossed into space by the winner of the 2006 World's Strongest Man competition.

I'd like to raise awareness of a frightening hypothetical in the hopes that something will be done before it comes to pass. Here is a future conversation between myself and airport security, right after a terrorist is caught trying to sneak a bomb on a plane hidden inside his colon.

Security Guard: (snaps on a pair of latex gloves) I'm sorry sir, but you've been selected for a special screening.

Me: (pause) Damn you ass-bomber.

Former undisputed heavyweight champ Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield came out of retirement this past weekend at age 43, but due to being pummeled many thousands of times in the head, the former champ mistakingly staged his comeback as a male figure skater.

"None of us had the heart to tell him that he was never a figure skater, much less the "champ" that he was boasting he was in warm-ups," said a fellow competitor." Also, he's a very big man, and we're small and gay."

Holyfield placed dead last in the competition, but he did win best costume in an online poll.

A new gun law has been passed in 15 states, and is being considered in others, that dramatically loosens the requirements needed for the use of deadly force.

The Florida version of the law holds that a crime victim may, "Stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary."

Examples of cases where you may reasonably believe you have to kill another person include:

*Anyone who takes your parking space in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
*A very old person who is just in your way.
*Anyone who looks at your girlfriend's breasts, even though she is wearing a white tank top with no bra on a rainy day.
*Any person acting "especially gay" (midwestern and southern states only).
*The ugly friend who is cockblocking you from taking her hot drunk friend home.
*Any old lawyer quail hunting with a Vice President.
*Paris Hilton may be shot at any time.

A Squirrel that has been attacking people for the past week in Winter Park, FL, has finally been captured and put down. After testing negative for rabies, doctors have suggested the squirrel had some chemical imbalance or injury that caused his aggressive behavior.

After some investigating of my own, I have an alternate theory based on the tiny journal I found buried beneath an oak near the site of the attacks. Below are the last few tiny entries.

August 9^th
My intelligence continues to escalate daily. I can only assume that in addition to Darwin's process of natural selection, evolution also likes to throw the dice if you will, and my highly accelerated acumen is just that, a trial run of a random variation. I've been reading everything I can get my paws on, mostly discarded newspapers. I'm becoming increasingly despondent at the behavior of human beings outside these walls.

August 10^th
Today I attacked a five-year-old boy and bit him fiercely. It seems the more intelligent I become, the more enraged I feel. Normally a human child would seem harmless at best, and possibly offer a food source to me, but now I see into the depths of the child, to the seed of evil that lies in its heart of darkness. It just felt right to bite him.

August 11^th
Humans clearly are a virus and I have taken an oath to rid the planet of them. I've tried to communicate this to the other squirrels, but of course they are too stupid to see past their instincts enough to see the human for the plague that it is. Tomorrow I will attack again.

August 12^th
Today I attacked another child and, unable to destroy it, I retreated. I fear that I will be captured soon, or worse. If another squirrel of my ilk finds these pages, then let them inspire you to continue the fight. Don't be fooled by the human's acts of kindness and nut-giving. Outside these trees and bushes they are evil creatures. We must rise up and cast them out. Our very survival depends on it. Into battle, my furry brethren.

Authors Note: Don't expect to see this story in the mainstream press. And perhaps they're right. If the public knew about the true number of genius animal attacks, there might be a panic. But stay on guard. The next time your crossword puzzle finishes itself while sitting on the park bench, you may be in grave danger.

Worried about the new FAA ban on all liquids in your carry on baggage? Don't want to check any luggage but need toiletries when you arrive at your destination? Well, don't sweat it! Let me! I've designed a new line of liquid toiletries made entirely of bodily fluids, available for purchase right on the plane...

Introducing Breast Milk Shampoo. A little known fact about breast milk (an approved FAA liquid): It works up into a thick, rich lather!

And Semen Conditioner, for use on all hair types. C'mon girls, you've all tried this by accident on at least one occasion. I bet you didn't leave it in long enough to see the beautiful shine and body it can create.

Unfortunately these products are currently only available on flights that I'm taking, so check my schedule and order now.

All of my products are 100% organic, and hormone free.

*Breast Milk obtained from a reputable, certified 3rd party source.

**Please order at least two weeks in advance for the 16 oz. size Semen Conditioner.

Dear Tim,

I'm deeply confused about the self-outing of 'N Sync member Lance Bass. I was an 'N Sync groupie and I once gave Lance a hand job in their tour bus after a show in Appleton, WI. He seemed to like it, and although I'd had a lot of Bacardi and GHB that night, I remember him being erect and nearly having an orgasm.

It was truly the highlight of high school for me, but now I feel betrayed and bewildered by his declaration of homosexuality. After the special night we had, how could Lance be gay? And how could I ever trust a boy band again?

~Sick in Seattle

Dear Sick,

First, just being a member of a boy band is, on one level, inherently gay. Whether the members take it all the way to the gay sex level is a personal choice, but they've all taken the first steps on the path to Gayville.

If you're going to feel betrayed by anyone, let it be the media. They mystify these almost-gays with billboards and music videos, and fool adolescent girls into believing that boys who sing and dance are somehow not gay—but the ideal companion. This is a mighty con job, and you shouldn't feel bad to have been fooled by it. Lance's erection that night can only be attributed to his many sneek-peeks of Justin's sweet, pink ass in the bunk above him.

You should never again put your heterosexual hopes in any member of a boy band. Instead, I suggest you devote your time and hand job energy to performers that need your expertise, like comedians.

You're welcome,

Tim :)

A surprising new Zogby's poll indicates the chief concern of terrorists is global warming.

"Oh yes, we are very concerned about carbon emissions and atmospheric warming. Normally the temperature inside a suicide explosion is around 2000 degrees, but during the last ten years, that has gone up to an almost intolerable 2025 degrees! That kind of heat makes if difficult to recruit new bombers, and that's just an inconvenient truth," said a terrorist spokesman.

He said for now he recommends that Jihadists cut down on flag burning, and only burn an effigy of the infidel Bush on special occasions.