With Republicans in danger of losing the House and possibly the Senate in the upcoming elections, the tobacco industry has decided to market directly to congressional Democrats in hopes of causing enough tumors to retain control of Congress.

"It's a risky marketing move, and one we should have started sooner, but with the amount of nicotine we're loading into our cigarettes these days, we should be able to start a few key malignant growths by November," said a tobacco spokesperson yesterday.

A few Democrats have already succumbed to the clever new slogans, such as, "Smoke Your Way to Universal Health Coverage!" and "Ann Coulter Feels Pain When You Smoke!"

Recently, several people have gotten in trouble for selling access to Hezbollah TV in the US, which has banned the station after designating Hezbollah a terrorist organization.

However, I must admit that my curiosity was piqued, and after a long search I finally pointed my satellite dish in the right direction. The following are my 5 favorite Hezbollah TV shows:

5. No Deal or No Deal
4. Survivor: Beirut
3. Desperate Jihadists
2. VH1: Behind the Explosives
1. Two and a Half Jews

*Addendum- added 10/19/06:
 Today I heard Bill Maher use the No Deal or No Deal joke on Real Time, refering to an Iraqi TV show,  so don't think I stole it from him, because I wrote this at least 2 weeks ago.  Just know that I'm as funny as he is, only sooner...Tim

Nicolas Sarkozy, French Presidential hopeful, right, greeted Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg after awarding the Legion of Honor to Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly, center.

Boring, until you check out the background action. Feel free to add your own caption...

Bill laughs to himself after secretly voting for Hillary's opponent, and writing "Castrating Bitch" next to her name on the ballot...

A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.

When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.

The stingray that killed Steve Irwin confessed today that he was a paid assassin, hired by a mysterious crocodile family. He would not say anything further, only that he was hired by someone known only as... (yes, I'm going to say it)--the Crocfather.

83-year-old Sumner Redstone fires CEO...

... takes control of $9 billion fortune, drives with turn signal on, shits pants.

Putin's coy glances were received with trepidation by South African President Thabo Mbeki.

Inadvertantly triggers early mid-life crisis of millions of 36-year-olds who haven't started one yet.

Kofi Annan visited with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad yesterday. Annan threatened that until Iran suspends its uranium enrichment program, he will withhold the, "Cool black guy handshake."