I'm not sure the obesity message is reaching the heartland...

Since learning of waterboarding—a technique of interrogation where water is poured over a restrained prisoner's face until he thinks that drowning is inescapable, has been in the news, I have been using it once a week on my roommate.

I don't know if it would cause terrorists to give up their secrets, but I have found that my roommate is much more likely to purchase toilet paper and wash the dishes than before.

I highly recommend the technique for home use, and I'd like to thank the news media for their very informative and helpful coverage.

Rock legend and Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler revealed to Access Hollywood that he has been fighting a secret battle with hepatitis C.

He's revealing it to the public now because notifying all his sexual partners by mail would destroy the rest of the Amazon rainforest.

Alright already. It was me. I admit it. I took a crap in that spinach field outside of Salinas.

I wasn't feeling so hot. I had the rumblies, you know? I just pulled over and did what I had to do. I'm truly sorry for the trouble it's caused. Now can we just move on? God. It's embarassing enough without the whole world knowing that I almost shit my pants. Sorry world. I promise not to crap on your produce ever again.

Oprah Winfrey has launched a new channel on XM Satellite Radio. The channel, Oprah and Friends, will follow an all Oprah, all the time format.

Congress has already approved the channel for torturing suspected terrorists.

A new study shows that malicious attackers are increasingly using Web browsers and other desktop applications to infiltrate home computers.

The hackers hope to compile the largest photo gallery ever of naked exes and pictures taken of our own asses just to see what they look like.

A Chinese man who had the world's first penis transplant had the organ removed two weeks later because his wife had a, "severe psychological problem" with his new penis.

Millions of married men have gone into hiding, afraid they will meet the new penis removal criteria.

Everyone is excited about the legislation except Arnold's old nanny who he groped when he was 12. Look out Arnold, she's right behind you!

In an unprecedented move, God Almightly has handed Pope Benedict his walking papers. "He's just not a good fit for the company," God spake. "I knew I should've gone black this time." The released Benedict will be demoted to the Child Molester Shuffling Department.

As Bush gives his speech at the UN on Tuesday, the Iraqi delegates check the score of the Yankee game.