"Our Pyongyang store is doing very well," said a Walmart spokesman yesterday. "With a large, cheap labor force willing to work for McDonald's vouchers, we've been able to keep our overhead very low. That's allowed us to begin offering nuclear warheads at substantially reduced prices."

After stabbing a ceremonial facsimile of President Bush, a North Korean representative added that, "Now that we have working nukes, we needed a distributor. Walmart was the obvious choice. Kim Jong Il has often modeled his government after the Walmart business model."

Currently priced at $500 million per nuke, officials expect it to start off as a niche market, focusing mostly on sheiks and mullahs, but hope to expand production and lower prices, so that the everyday end-of-the-worlder will soon be able to afford his or her own nuke.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice traveled to Baghdad and insisted that there were new signs of progress in Iraq and that the Bush administration had never sugarcoated its news about the American occupation.

She added what a pleasure it was to travel the streets on Baghdad's new moving sidewalks and to have lunch in the foodcourt of the new George Bush Mall and Multiplex.

The celebrity known as Anna Nicole Smith has been revealed as an elaborate hoax. "I guess we just took it too far," said Mark Simpson, one of the pranksters behind the hoax. "We wanted to see what the American public would believe without question. I'm really surprised we got this far. I thought for sure they'd call us on the whole dead billionaire thing."

Anna Nicole is actually an actress from Australia named Jennifer Copel. Hoping to start a career in Hollywood, Copel said the prank just got out of control. "I mean, I thought it would last a few months, not years and years. But with this death of my "son" and the who's my baby daddy story lines both happening at once...I mean, there's only so much people will believe." Copel hopes to go back to regular life in Australia, but says she still wants the cash for sleeping with "that really old dude."

 A Massachusetts judge has issued an arrest warrant for singer Bobby Brown after he failed to show up at a hearing on overdue child support payments for two of his children.

This man has already been assigned to the case:

George F. Smoot and John C. Mather are the two men responsible for these:

North Korea declared Tuesday that it will be conducting its first-ever nuclear test in response to what it called "increasing U.S. hostility".

President Bush responded by giving Kim Jong Il a wedgie and then taking his lunch money.

Ex- Representative Mark Foley has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he can learn to seduce teenage boys soberly. 

A retired general who was appointed as the new leader of Thailand by the military junta which seized power in a coup, yesterday, pledged to make the "happiness" of the people his main goal.

He added that he would love the country long time.