President Bush announced yesterday afternoon that Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld resigned because the departing secretary recognized “the value of a fresh perspective.” 

He later said, “And by ‘a fresh perspective’, I mean ‘one exactly like mine but with fewer American people hating him.'”

The Associated Press has officially declared Democratic challenger, Jon Tester, the winner in the U.S. Senate race in Montana, bringing the Senate up to a total of 50 Democrats.

President Bush admitted to being a bit shocked by the news. Not so much by the Democratic takeover of Congress as by the realization that Montana is a real place.

“I thought it was like Narnia,” he was quoted as saying. "Every time I get my coat out of the wardrobe, I think, Maybe this is the time I'll end up in Montana."

For his new Secretary of Defense, President Bush has chosen Robert M. Gates, a man who also acted as CIA director for Bush’s father.

Having inherited a Presidency and now a Secretary of Defense from his father, Bush is making it increasingly clear why he pushed that bill through Congress lowering the inheritance tax.

The verdict is still out on KFC's intentions toward lesbian, gay, and bisexual fats.

China has made a plan to reduce its high rate of executions by having all death penalty cases reviewed by the Supreme People’s Court.

Says an unnamed Chinese official, “Now the only people executed in China will be those that really deserve it. You know, rapists, murderers, and unborn female children.”

Nevada’s governor’s race took a scandalous turn this week when a cocktail waitress accused a candidate, Rep. Jim Gibbons, of trying to sexually assault her in a parking garage in Las Vegas.

Gibbons responded immediately by announcing he was gay, abused as a child and an alcoholic. When that didn’t work, he accused the waitress of harboring weapons of mass destruction.

Looks like SOMEBODY'S getting a promotion.

George Bush was recently quoted by Bob Woodward as saying, “I’ll stay in Iraq even if the only support I have left is from my wife and my dog.”   . 

In other news, Spot has officially come out against the war.

The top United States’ general defended Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, by saying, “He leads in a way that the good Lord tells him his best for our country.”  He later added, “Also the good Lord doesn’t like innocent Iraqi civilians very much.”