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After years of conflict with the Catholic Church, China ordained two Vatican-approved bishops this week.
Catholicism is a little different in China, in that the altar boys are less afraid of the molestation than the asbestos-laden toys they’ll be given to keep them quiet afterward.
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An intelligence study released this week reports that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003, contradicting earlier reports that the country was working quickly toward a nuclear bomb.
When asked how he could defend his previous statements threatening military action against Iran, President Bush replied, “Look, here in America, we ONLY attack countries that don’t have weapons.”
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Gillian Gibbons, a British teacher in Sudan, has been sentenced to fifteen days in prison for allowing her class to name its teddy bear "Muhammad."
To appease the radical Muslims, Gibbons has agreed to allow the class to name their next bear, "Damn Jews!"
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Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has announced that he will debate 80s sitcom puppet, Alf, on his show tonight.
Sources say that immediately after the show was taped, O'Reilly had Alf deported: "Unfortunately, it seems that Alf was unable to document his status as a legal alien."
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Earlier this week, talk show host Carson Daly announced that his show will resume production next week without its writers.
The network fears that it will become apparent to viewers just how hard the writers worked to make Daly sound only mildly retarded.
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Republican Presidential candidate, Fred Thompson, announced Sunday that he believed that a comatose, brain-damaged woman who was allowed to die in 2005 should have been kept alive.
Political strategists said that Thompson’s speech was unnecessary as that, “He already had a lock on the brain-damaged vote.”
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According to Newsweek, Iranian police recently issued a directive ordering men not to tweeze their eyebrows.
Ideally, they'd like to keep up the facade that Iranian men have more facial hair than Iranian women.
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