According to CNN, leading astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet due to its small size.  For the same reason, astronomers have also declared me a woman.

According to some sources, Paramount released Tom Cruise from his contract because of his extreme promotion of his Scientologist religion.  If Paramount finds it necessary to fire religious fanatics, I think we should follow suit and take a look at the White House.

I told that joke, and someone came up to me and said the logic was wrong.  He said, "Your parents bought you the Nintendo 64, not Santa Claus." I said, "Okay," because, you know, I am vaguely aware of the actual economic underpinnings of Christmas.  He continued, "But you know God is real because he gave you life!"

No... that was also my parents.

You know what, though?  I still believe in Santa Claus.  People ask me why, they say it's silly.  But think about it.  When I was 12, I prayed to God that the other children would stop making fun of me and accept me as their friend.  They never did...  But when I was also 12, I prayed to Santa Claus for a Nintendo 64.  Guess who followed through?  Santa one, God zero.

I loved Christmas as a kid; it's a holiday when that magical man arrives to grant the wishes of all good children!  And even if we as mature adults think it's silly to believe that one man can bring happiness to all the world, we really shouldn't make fun of it; some people still believe in Jesus.

My girlfriend decided to move into my apartment.  She thinks it's going to improve our relationship.  I think it's going to get my apartment clean.

I'm actually really happy in my relationship.  I was telling my friend, "She's great.  She's smart.  She's funny.  She's sexy."  He said, "You're right, she's way out of your league."

My girlfriend always wants to call me nicknames during sex.

She's like, "Do you mind if I call you Daddy?"

Okay. Do you mind if I have sex with your mother?

I read about this porn star named Jordan Capri who said she wished that porn could be more Christian.  I agree because I can't wait to watch a movie called "Girls Waiting for Marriage."

I was reading this article about Intelligent Design.  This one guy said, "We know evolution is fake; Americans aren't gullible enough to believe we came from monkeys."  True, but it seems Americans are stupid enough to believe they came from magic.