According to reports, the "morning after pill," also known as Plan B, will be sold over the counter as soon as November.  Or, as I'll be calling it, "Early Christmas."

An Omaha court has ruled that authorities cannot fire State Trooper Robert Henderson for being a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  The judge said his presence in the group would not affect his duties because, quote, "There are really no minorities in Nebraska."

According to CNN, Senator Barack Obama and his wife took AIDs tests in the African country of Kenya in an effort to break the world record for the simultaneous portrayal of stereotypes.

I've got a feeling I'm turning into my father: I'm gaining weight, my hair's thinning out, and I've started to have sex with my mother.

Ever notice that the longer you date someone, the shorter the story of how you met becomes?  The first month, it's so romantic.  You're like, "Well, she was renovating her kitchen, and she knew a friend of mine, and my friend said that I could lend her a hand, so she called me, and I came in, and she told me that she had to pay me, or she'd feel really bad, but we talked a lot and we really hit it off."

After about six months, it gets shorter. You're like, "She was renovating her apartment, and she needed a little extra help, so she gave me a job lending her a hand."

After two years, you just take the shortest route. "She gave me a hand job."

My grandma gave me a giftcard for my birthday.  She said, "Don't spend it all in one place."

"Well, it doesn't look like I have much of a choice."

I never saw snow until I was 18.  I grew up near Miami, so the first time I saw a snowball fight, I thought, "Why are all these kids playing in cocaine?"

I had a blind date with a goth girl that became creepy.  She stared me in the face and said, "Would you die for me?"

"Die for you? Now I'm not even sure I want to have sex with you."

So I recently saw an ad for a strip club.  It said, "We do parties! Birthday parties, Bachelor Parties, and Divorce Parties!" Huh. After a divorce, do you really want to give more money to a woman who'll never have sex with you?

I love all this coverage of the JonBenet Ramsey case; it really helps me forget all the thousands of people dying in the Middle East.