TRAFFIC WATCH

A photpgraph showing the Long Island Expresway moving backwards was deemed authentic by officials yesterday. Apparently it is due to "Paracycloptic Inversion" a growing concern which happens when tailgating reaches a tipping point and causes a traffic jam to fold backwards on itself at the sub atomic level. Although extremly disturbing to watch, people in transit will notice nothing and side effects are rare. Only two cases of which have been noted and included a "Burst Chest" and "Twisted Ribs".

Earlier this morning The Southen State Parkway was sexualy assaulted by a man carrying a Sponge Hammer at exits 23, 24A and 26. Commuters are told to make alternate routes

Colins Driving Tips: Cant afford a Car Alarm! Dont worry! After parking your car in a dodgy neighbourhood place a fake pair of legs out from underneath your vehicle and sprinkle some repair tools around.