Anousheh Ansari, who is currently being sued for insider trading by stock holders of the company she sold to generate her current wealth said she plans on coming back from space when "..the dust settles"

Until then she said she cant wait to see what tasks the Russian Space Agency have laid out for her

The Russian Space Agency said they forecast a successful launch and expect to get their Soyuz Spacecraft back "Sparkling Clean"

Health officials have discovered the source of a multi-state E. coli outbreak to be bagged spinach.

In other news, Popeye was found dead at his house boat in San Francisco this morning. His wife, Olive Oyl, said he switched to bagged spinach later in life, claiming he hadn't got the, "Muskles t'open da cans n'more!! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak!"

Scientist's define "Hope" as awkward bumbling inadequate limb performance that embarrasses able bodied people at dinner parties and such social occasions

Side effects of using a Bionic Limb to bend a usually unbendable object for example, will result in it being done so in slow motion to the sound of “Dicka - Dicka – Dicka – Dicka.......”

Gary Weddle told CNN that he won't shave until Osama bin Laden is captured.

His wife Tracey Weddle says she won't stop freaking men out with her weightlifting until her husband starts shaving again.

Colin's True Stories

I was going for a walk tonight at a local park that shall remain nameless. The local community had turned out candles in hand to take part in a memorial consisting of singers and speakers to comment upon the events of 9/11. As I walked the perimeter of the park I seen people from all walks of life pay their respects in many ways varying from utmost sincerity and deep routed sadness to joking around with the Ice-cream Salesman. I stopped on a small hill and looked down upon a sea of lights as the locals swayed their candles side to side to the singers finishing tune. Another speaker was invited up to talk to the crowd. Not being an American I was very interested in the whole event. The speaker turned to the crowd and said "We have all being effected by what happened here Five years ago today, a date that will live on, September 9th.....!!!...uuurgh, excuse me..I mean September 11^th...."

I never seen a swaying sea of lights grind to a halt before. I went home and rechecked all my appointment and bill payment dates just in case

No injurys were reported to her dignity or personality due to her having none

Bear Bitchslaps Bush

Anthony is currently informing family and friends that he is not in Afghanistan but is in fact working on a construction site in Queens, for his uncles construction company

"I`ll Turn Stingray From Dangerous Species to Endangered Species"  

The burial will involve a small church service attended mostly by workers from the local Khaki Pants factory. Then Arnold Schwarzenegger will turn his minigun on the ocean for an hour and forty five minutes

Hilton Double Booked

Doctors currently treating Paris Hilton for a mystery illness have discovered a new condition that occurs when a women sleeps with more men then their genitals can handle. Doctors have named this condition, "Parisitus," a situation where all muscles begin to collapse and gradually make the vagina resemble the mask from the movie "Scream."