The Ukraine has been accused of killing healthy babies for their stem cells. “It beats killing them for their vaginas,” admired China.

Vice President Dick Cheney called Don Rumsfeld “the finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had.” He added, “And when I say ‘this nation,' I mean Jesusland.”

More than 300 people became ill after eating at an Olive Garden in Castleton, Indiana. Explained the manager, "That's 40 less than last weekend!"

Another evangelical preacher has stepped down after admitting to gay relations. Paul Barnes told his congregation, "I can't tell you the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this away."

God replied, "Maybe I'd be able to understand you if you didn't pray with a cock in your mouth."

Donald Rumsfeld gave an emotional farewell to Pentagon employees on Friday. “I leave believing that the American people are wise and decent," he said, "and I confirm it by listening to their phone calls.”

A new jail opened at Guantanamo Bay. The $37 million maximum-security prison is built entirely of detainees.

Christians are outraged that Mary Cheney is deliberately bringing a child into the world without a father. Have you seen Mary with her partner? Between the two of them, Heather’s going to have two daddies.

An apartment complex in Stone Mountain, Georgia is burning to the ground. According to residents, there were no fire hydrants at the complex. There was, however, tons of parking.

So far, 54 people have been hospitalized contracting the E. coli virus at Taco Bell.

"Color me impressed," said Russian president Vladimir Putin.