Research presented this weekend reinforced previous findings that 90 percent of paper money circulating in U.S. cities contains traces of cocaine.

It was at 100% but scientists later had removed Billy Mays' fortune from the test sample.

4 people were murdered during a gunman's rampage at a Pittsburgh location of LA Fitness.

The company has yet to decide if the class will be renamed Anaeorbics or killer abs.

It was decided the fitness center will be renamed South Central LA Fitness.

President Clinton orchestrated the release of high profile journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

 It was the first asian release where Bill wasnt on the receiving end.

A music festival stage in Canada collapsed, killing 1 and injuring 40 others.

Kevin Costner was in attendance.

It was feared his career had been killed, but they realized it had been dead for the past 10 years.

I got hearing aids today.

I gotta hide my girls Coldplay CD.

The world famous gay penguins at the San Francisco zoo have broken up when it was discovered one of the penguins had gone straight.

The errant penguin has been renamed, Anne Heche.

The Michael J Fox version of guitar hero comes with Maracas.

The battle over Michael Jacksons blackness or whiteness is finished.

Its been determined that Michael Jackson is indeed white.

The final declaration was made when he arrived on time to his own funeral.

Michael Jacksons' remains will be put to rest today.  Except his nose which has been recycled.

Its now a colostomy tube used by Abe Vigoda.

You know why there are no good female rappers?

they only have a good flow once a month.

Thats a period joke.

and by period I mean the 80s.

Menopause

Hammertime