Kodak retires Kodachrome film making Paul Simon more relevant than he's been in 20 years.

Ayatollah Khamenei is so angry with all his blah, blah blah American Infadels... blah blah blah... nuclear arms... blah blah blah... Holocaust never happened, but I still find myself wanting to climb into his lap and tell him what I want for Christmas.

The constitution guarantees me the right to bear arms.

If I had bear arms I wouldn't need a gun, because I could just rip the head off of anyone who pissed me off.

Myspace keeps asking me if I want famous friends like Nick & Miley.

 If I had famous friends like Nick & Miley I'd need a friend like Smith & Wesson to blow my brains out.

The FCC fielded 800,000 calls last week after the government mandated switch to digital television.

How can they just switch everyones television signal to digital without giving any kind of advance warning.  They should have been running advertising warning people that this was going to happen.

This is why people hate the government.  They just don't communicate with the citizens about what's going on in their country.

Because the government refuses to communicate with it's populous I'm going to step in and inform you that the government has a plan to thin out the population by imprisoning, sterilizing and even euthanizing stupid people.

The first 800,000 to be rounded up will be the idiots who called the FCC about the switchover to digital TV.

I always get the Bacon Brothers confused.So I made myself this cheat sheet:

Kevin N. Bacon - Actor

Michael A. Bacon - Musician

Chris P. Bacon - Delicious

An 88 year old man opened fire in Wahington DC Holocaust Museum.

John McCain said, "See... I told you old guys could do things."

Conagra Foods is surprisingly unapolagetic after last nights explosion at a Slim Jim factory in North Carolina, stating that every employee was made aware of the explosive flavor of Slim Jims.

An angry mob in Philadelphia chased and beat an accused child rapist with an 8 foot long two by four.

Every time they hit him candy flew out.  The angry mob assumed that he either used the candy to lure children...

Or, he was a Pinata.

An angry mob in Philadelphia chased and beat an accused child rapist with an 8 foot long two by four.

Now, I wouldn't touch a child rapist with a 10 foot pole.

But, I might take a couple whacks at one with an 8 foot long two by four.