I heard on E! last night that Britney Spears is giving up Kaballah. She was going to be thrown out soon anyway. Bad Jew etiquette. When asking for a second helping of kugel, she reportedly asked fellow Seder participants to "hit me baby, one more time."

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are splitting up. Sources say McCartney will walk away with most of his fortune, while Mills will hop away with an autographed copy of Wings' greatest hits and a Yoko Ono dartboard.

Scientists are excited about the real possibility of using corn as a means to create fuel, thus significantly reducing our dependency on oil.

I understand George Bush will be deploying troops to Iowa next week for Operation Shuck.

Two Indian women are talking while they work in the garden. One of them pulls two huge potatos out of the dirt.

"Ah," she says, "these remind me of my husband's testicles."

The other women says, "They are that big?"

"No. That dirty."

Went to Cirque Du Soleil the other night. Fun. Like Ringling Brothers, but with accents.

But my date wasn't quite as sophisticated as the show: She thought Moulin Rouge was a product from Max Factor.

David Blaine is performing his latest stunt here in New York City. He's spending a week inside a giant aquarium, breathing through a scuba mask.

Now, I'm not saying I could do that. I'm spent after 20 minutes in my Grandma's Jacuzzi.

I just don't think what he's doing is that cool.

You want to impress me, Magic Boy? Spend a week in a burning building. You can use your mask.

The biggest problem with Internet dating is the bullshit that comes with people's photos. People like to make themselves seem trimmer than they are. Most pictures I've seen have women positioned next to something that will offset their size: a piano, a tall building. Standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

And when they show up on the date you are confused.

"Susan?"

"Don't you recognize me?"

"Well, you look a little different not standing next to the Lincoln Memorial. Move over here, next to this newsstand... ah yes, it IS you. Nice to meet you."

Went on a first date with a girl. It was going great. Had dinner, listened to some jazz. Walked around the Village [Greenwich Village, in NYC] a bit.

We came across one of those storefront psychic places. The ones with the word "Psychic" in neon lights. Very original ad campaign. My date wanted to try. I figured why not.

We went in, sat down, and "Zelda" or "Hazlette" or whatever her name is started to read my date's palm. "Oooh, you're going to have a long life ... you will be very rich ... and the man of your dreams is already in your life—and his name begins with the letter "D."

Now, I was pissed. My name is Ray with an "R." And the rest of the night my date kept wondering, out loud, who this "dream man" might be. "Maybe it's David from the gym, or Derek from next door. Maybe Daniel from the travel agency?"

I got so fed up I told her, "Maybe it's Dick—MINE."

Date was over.

And I walk by psychics a bit quicker now.

Had to get the dog neutered. (Remove his little doggie balls.) The vet said it's important to do this because it prevents things like testicular cancer.

Really? No balls = no testicular disease? What a revelation! I proposed we remove his paws to fend off athlete’s foot, or take out his lungs to stop problems caused by secondhand smoke.

The vet didn’t get the joke. The balls came off.

The vet then asked me if I wanted to get "nuticles"—fake doggie ball implants—so my pup wouldn't miss his. I was really creeped out by this idea. So I asked him, "Doc, tell me, do the fake balls feel like real ones?"

"What do you mean?" he said.

"You know ... like when they're resting on your chin ... do they feel real?"

We left quickly.

1. Okay, okay! I take it back.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I LOOK like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic, disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.