Farmers in western central Ohio are hoping to preserve some breeds of livestock considered endangered by conservationists.

However, there is one breed they are actually happy to get rid of—The RUSSMENEVE. The RUSSMENEVE is a particularly smelly, ape-like mammal. The RUSSMENEVE can usually be found climbing in and out of dumpsters and enjoys living alone in small, dark, cramped quarters where they devour large quantities of protein bars. And ham.

I went to the park today. I sat on a bench. I reflected. All this while eating a turkey and provolone sandwich. Wow, I can multi-task.

A squirrel came over to me and asked me for a bite. (Well, he didn't ask, but you know...) So I peeled a piece of cheese off my sandwich and tossed it to him.

At which point a peculiar homeless guy, seated a few feet away from me and eating his own sandwich, said, "Be careful giving them cheese. Constipates 'em. Can't get their nuts out."

You learn whereever you go—you just have to be open to it.

A spokesperson said that the network will keep its name, but the logo will be changed to a drunk cowboy holding a bible. In return, the White House will rename the Lincoln Bedroom "Murdoch's Pad."

So, I got laid last night.

Thank you.

The important part of this tale is not with whom, how, or why. It's to let you all know a piece of information that may prevent an awkward moment in the sack.

In the heat of passion I didn't take my jeans all the way off. We're getting into it, and in the middle she asks me if I have a Mexican roommate.

That seemed like a strange question.

As it turns out, I had a pack of tic-tacs in my pocket.

plus

equals  

Top three stimuli a comedian uses to assist in pleasuring himself while staying alone in a crappy motel in Arkansas:

1. Vanessa Williams Pro-Activ Commercial

2. Christie Brinkley/ Chuck Norris infomercial with masking tape covering the side of the TV with Chuck on it.

3. May-Belle, cashier from the Wal-Mart down the road.

CNN reports that many people fear racial profiling and believe it is insensitive,  after a group of radical Muslims were caught plotting to blow up buildings in Canada and behead the prime minister.

In China, workers produce 40 billion chopsticks per year.

For their efforts, employees are paid three chopsticks per hour.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole immigration debate: Do we allow everyone to become citizens; do we throw illegals out? That's a conversation for me and my houseboy Carlos to have at a later date.

I do take issue with the term "guest worker." Kind of absurd: 

"Hi! How are you? Welcome! The Ajax is under the sink. And be done in three hours."

Watched the finale of American Idol on Tivo today. I know I'm a few days late, but karaoke-with-trophies has never been a priority for me.