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"ATTENTION:"

January 1, 2010
Nowhere, Nowhere, NY

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Biography

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I'm probably the only left-handed, married with four kids, PhD scientist, standup comic living in Beacon, New York.

Buy my children's book, "Nancy Newt Never Naps!" Really. You can check it out at www.nancynewt.com

I produce "clean" comedy shows in Dutchess County and surrounding areas. If you would like a comedy show for an event (party, wedding, fundraiser, etc.), contact me at beacon1b@yahoo.com

And if you are desperate, check out my goals in life at [more]

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245 Jokes  

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NYPD Cracks Sadistic Gang Of Cop Impersonators By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: May 7, 2008 Category: News  Staff Pick!

From Hot Topic Cop 1357 Jokes  15 Videos

NEW YORK (AP) ― A sadistic gang of police impersonators abducted and tortured scores of East Coast cocaine traffickers, forcing them to hand over multimillion-dollar stashes by threatening to squeeze their testicles with pliers, authorities said Tuesday. As part of a plea deal, gang members will assist efforts to get Congress to actually do something. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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Incest Dad: 'I Am Not a Monster' By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: May 7, 2008 Category: News

From Hot Topic George Bush 653 Jokes  17 Videos

Josef Fritzl made an astonishing plea for understanding from his cell today saying: "I am not a monster. I could have killed them all, and no one would ever have known, no one would ever have found out," he reportedly told his lawyer. In a strange coincidence, George Bush said, "I am not a bad president. I could have pushed the button, and no one would ever have known, no one would ever have found out". Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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Blood Substitutes Aren't Safe By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: May 1, 2008 Category: News  Staff Pick!

A new study indicates that artificial blood substitutes have led to a 30% increase in the risk of death and a nearly threefold chance of having a heart attack. Early tests with ketchup and red wine were even deadlier. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (1)  |  Rate it:

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Obama fights perception he is elitist By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: May 1, 2008 Category: News

From Hot Topic Barack Obama 884 Jokes  28 Videos

FORT WAYNE, Indiana (Reuters) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama sought to convince Americans he is not elitist on Thursday as new polls showed his aura of inevitability has declined after weeks of negative headlines. Obama appeared visibly upset at the perception after spilling caviar on his Armani suit. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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Starbucks Reports 28% Drop in Profit By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: May 1, 2008 Category: News

From Hot Topic Starbucks 62 Jokes

Starbucks said it would open fewer new stores in the United States. New stores will be limited to the NE and SW corners of every city block, in every city. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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David Blaine breaks breath holding record By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: Apr 30, 2008 Category: News

From Hot Topic David Blaine 14 Jokes

CHICAGO (AP) - David Blaine set a new world record Wednesday for breath-holding, 17 minutes and 4 seconds. William Shatner, hoping for an oscar, is still holding his breath. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (1)  |  Rate it:

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Children’s Book Aims to Explain Plastic Surgery By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: Apr 24, 2008 Category: News  Staff Pick!

From Hot Topic Plastic Surgery 70 Jokes  2 Videos

"My Beautiful Mommy," a new children’s book, aims to explain plastic surgery. Other titles in the series include, "My Drunken Daddy", "My Promiscuous Sister," and "My Friendly Priest." Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (1)  |  Rate it:

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Man Sold Pot From Drive-Through By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: Apr 22, 2008 Category: News  Staff Pick!

From Hot Topic Weed 221 Jokes  15 Videos

FORT SMITH, Ark. - Police have arrested a pizza parlor manager on charges he sold marijuana out his drive-through window. In defense, the manager said he sold the marijuana at cost, since pizza orders were up by more than 700%. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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Doctors remove spray can from patient's rectum By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: Apr 16, 2008 Category: News

From Hot Topic Doctor 295 Jokes  2 Videos

MANILA, Philippines - A video posted on YouTube showing Philippine doctors laughing while removing an object from a patient may lead to charges against the surgeons and cost them their medical licenses, officials said Wednesday. As a doctor gingerly pulls out the 6-inch long canister from the male patient's rectum, someone shouts, "Baby out!" amid loud cheers. The doctor then removes the canister cap and sprays the contents toward the crowd of nurses and doctors viewing the procedure. Deodorant, I presume? Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it:

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Yankees Dig Up Red Sox Jersey By: Steve Knowles (C) Submitted: Apr 16, 2008 Category: News  Staff Pick!

From Hot Topic New York Yankees 272 Jokes

In defense of spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of man-hours to dig up a Red Sox jersey to "remove a curse", Yankees owner George Steinbrenner says he won't even consider using Red Sox voodoo dolls until late in the season. Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email          |  Comments (0)  |  Rate it: